If there is one thing I'm not good at, it would be hiding my feelings. I don't think I'm capable of hiding my feelings or put a smile on my face when really I'm not feeling happy. It's easy for someone to say that when they got a problem, its easy for them to hide that emotions and simply put a smile on their faces, acting as though nothing is going on. I can't do that. I've been trying to focus with my finals tomorrow, but I can't even focus a bit. All my friends are telling me how a fool I am for being in the situation that I'm in and for letting it eat up my emotions, but I feel like I rather feel this way then denying it to myself and act as if everything is alright when deep down I'm suffering. I rather feel miserable now then denying it to myself and feel miserable later. Feel me? haha...Oh gosh, why am I even blogging? It's 3am right now, and I should be in bed cause I need to wake up at 6am today, but I felt like blogging (:

What am I supposed to do? I hate hate hate this sucky feeling. I hate it that much that I gotta put that hate 3 times. A part of me wants to believe and listen to whatever my friends are telling me, but a part of me wants to just shut everybody down and listen to myself. I'm torn in between and I hate this situation I'm in. So much hate right? Gosh, I feel like a crazy women right now. No idea.

Ugh, I really hate this. (guess how many times I've said that today?)

“Life is uncharted territory. It reveals its story one moment at a time.” Leo Buscaglia

not my kind of day...

Today is such a crappy day. I basically studied for my finals the whole day and finished up my paper. I'm still studying right now, but bleh, I need a break! I'm not getting anything right now. It's so frustrating. I've been trying to read this book for I don't know how many hours? And I'm still not getting it, and OH my exam is on thursday!

Today is really not my kind of day. I wish I can just sleep this off and wake up to rainbows and sunshines. haha, yeah, you get what I mean.

"There's something about you
the way you move, the way you look at me
There's something about the way you see things
its like a change of scenery
Everything about you, I just want more of..."

I should be studying for my finals right now, but I need a break. I've been studying at the library the whole day. Finals are too overwhelming, and I think I said that many times already. I can't wait for this thursday, when all of this will be over :)

It still haven't hit me yet that I'm going back to Indonesia. I'm super excited to see my family, go shopping, eat all the good foods. But above all, I'm mostly excited to see my grandpa. I miss him so much, words can't even express. My grandpa and I go way back when I was still a little girl. My parents left me a couple years after I was born to work in US, and my sister and I was left in Indonesia with my grandparents. My sister and I lived in different homes for some period of time. My mom's parents took care of my sister, and my dad's parents took care of me. My grandma and I never had a great relationship. It felt like her life was all about her and never about me. My grandpa was the one who took care of me since I was little and he was always the "hero", the one who was always stood by my side. May it be I peed in bed, threw up in the car, or cried at night cause I missed my mom, he was there for me. He never scolded me or punished me. I remember every night I would wait for him to get home from work, and he would show me how much money he made that night. I would be so happy to see him. I also remembered how much I loved bunnies when I was little girl, and so one day, he surprised me with 3 little white bunnies. It was seriously the happiest day of my life :) The next day, I found out that my bunnies died, but my grandpa wasn't even mad that I didn't took good care of it. I moved here when I was 3 years old to finally here in the US with my parents. My grandpa and grandma came here to live with us for a good amount of years. Because my grandpa had business over in Indonesia, he couldn't stay long and had to go back to Indonesia. I guess years after LDR between my grandpa and my grandma, their marriage went south, and never did I expect my grandpa to find another women in his life. A part of me hated him, but another part of me understood what he did and why he did it. If I could go on and explain the little details I would, but after all, good or bad, my family will always be my family and I can never talk down about my family like that. My grandma and my grandpa finally separated, and now he lives with his family in Indonesia. It really sucks because I barely get to see him, and if I do, it's always every 4-5 years. Although he cheated on my grandma, and chose another family over ours, I still love him to death. Every year, he would never miss my birthday. If I had all the money in this world, I will give it all to him. That's how much I love my grandpa. Writing this makes me have tears in my eyes :( If there is one important thing I learn in life, that is to never take anybody for granted. Even though I never took my grandpa for granted, I never realized how much I love him until his gone from my life. It's not like everyday that I could see or talk to him, and that really breaks my heart because he was a big part of my life since I was little.

I miss you grandpa & see you in 2 weeks.

<3>

It's always good to be busy and productive, but lately it's been a
little too much for me. With all the finals, I've been getting less or
no sleep. I've been feeling way too exhausted! Although I can't hardly
wait for this semester to end, I have to admit this is by far the
best semester I've had in State. I predicted in the beginning of the
semester that this would be a great semester for me, turns out I was
right. I guess I was able to really focus and concentrate a lot this semester.
No guys=no drama=happy me :) I'm not ready to say goodbye to this
semester, or this year may I say. Next year is going to be another
tough year, pretty unpredictable, but I can already sense it. I kinda
like not knowing, but 2009 has treated me so well I just can't say goodbye to it yet.

Off to work! :)

I find it sort of crazy how I have an account for almost all the "blogging" networks imaginable. First Xanga, Blogger, Wordpress, and now I have Tumblr. I deleted my Xanga long ago when I fell in love with Blogger. Peep me at beautiifulstruggle.tumblr.com. I love how I can tumblr through my iPhone. For every thought or whatever is going through my mind, I can just tumblr it.

goodnight sweet dreams <3

Take me to this place.

It`s 2.30 am and I`m still awake. I think I have a sleeping disorder. Insomnia, maybe? 1 sheep...2 sheep...

Sometimes life is full of surprises. You never know what to expect. I certainly never saw this coming, and to me, everything just seems to be happening so fast. I've never really got a chance to stop and think where this is leading me, and honestly I'm kind of having doubts in this whole situtation. I think my weakness has always been bringing up past experiences and kind of questioning "what if" this or that happens to me with the situation I'm going through right now. I think I've been pretty good in letting go of my past, but I think the experience and situation was so taunting that I'm kind of afraid that it might happen again. I really dont want to put myself in that position anymore. Sometimes I feel like being in a relationship can be so special, but in the same time, I'm just tired of all the lies, and it just makes me want to say that I'm fine without one right now. I think I've always stayed in my comfort zone, and maybe I'm not brave enough to take the risk. I dont know, but something about this situation, I dont really care where this is taking me, and I dont really want to know. I think I've been hurt too much in the past that I've become this strong. I don't think I've become cold towards this situation, but I've definitely become more aware.

thats all... :)