Thoughts

I just finised by quiz and don`t feel like going home, so why not blog again? ^^ I bit my inner lips by accident and it hurts so much. I cant even open my mouth, seems like my face cannot function appropriately. :/

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I was reading my previous blogs, like I always do. I kind of regret deleting my previous blogs from '06. I knew one day I'll say this, and yes, I'm saying it right now. I shouldnt have delete them, but I had to get over it, that's why I delete everything to earase all the memories. But evidently, it isn`t working. One of the things I like to do is reading my previous blogs, to see any transitions or changes, memories etc...To think of it now, I just wish I never deleted those posts. But I guess I did it for a good purpose? I became more aware as to what I write here in my blog. I always believed what I write here is for the sake of myself; to reveal my feelings and emotions, but now, I feel that I need to filter what I say in my blog. I dont want people to get a wrong impression of me. I really am thankful for everything I have right now, thankful for everybody who is a part of my life. I'm truly embracing the place I'm in right now. But, can a person control their feelings and emotions? I myself, can not even control my own thoughts. I cant tell my mind to think this and not to think that. At times, I feel quite "stupid" and "immature" for thinking about it. There really is no reason to think about it. Sometimes the thought of it appears in mind in the most wrong and odd times of the day. When I'm putting my shoes on..when I'm making breakfast...or simply when I'm putting a jacket on. Sometimes when I take a walk outside, the breeze, the cold weather, that ambiance is still there. I really want a closure, a complete closure. I dont take it emotionally or personally to the heart. I really am happy now, to have him in my life. Having someone love and care for me this much with this crazy attitude of mines really does mean something to me. His probably the most greatest thing that has happen to me. I dont think can picture my life without him, but again, it is God's will. kalo jodoh, ngak bkl kemana2. kalo dari Tuhan, smua bkl go smooth. I'm still trying to figure out...trying to dig up, but I cant find myself a concrete reason why I'm still thinking about it. What are the chances that it thinks of me? I feel completely bodoh. Mikirin orng yg ga mikirin loe, bodoh bgt seh jes! At the end of the day, I realize that what I'm doing isnt right. Though I'm not doing anything wrong, the thought of it makes me feel guilty, as if it's a wrong thing to think about it. I think what I need to do is completely get over it. I need to throw away and forget. Everytime I think about it, I need to just completely let go. I think all this time, I'm very capable to do that, but I allow myself to sink in and let my thoughts take over me. For years, I've realized this is what I've been doing. I cant simply pretend it has never been a part of me, but I think I can officially get over it foreal this time. duuhh jess, loe harus!!!

I think this is a closure for me. I think I've had enough, its time to really let go. I dont think I can promise myself to never think about it, because I always do, but I need to do this for myself.

blessed day to all,
Jess