Have you guys ever wondered what you really want to do with your life? Maybe some of you who already have careers and can't relate to this. Maybe, yes? But these past few days, I've been challenged by my English teacher (my last english class...thank God!) During the beginning of the class, my Professor talked about his life and where he came from etc...He then talked about his goals and his dream. He was in school for 6 years because he didnt like what he did so he changed his major several times. He was first a Music major, then he decided he wasn't any good, so he switched over to an English major. After couple of years doing that, he had to write a thesis or some sort of long essay talking about his goals and what he wanted to do in life, and he told us that he wasn't able to write that essay. He spend 3 months working on it, but nothing good came out of it. He said that writing was not a problem, but writing something from the heart that can really grab the audience was really hard. He then decided to stop doing that and went back home and ended up working at a record store. (I promise this story will lead to somewhere) While he was working at the record store, he also taught Latin to college students, and finally realized that teaching was something he truly loved. Not only teaching Latin, but teaching to a group of college students was his passion. He then took his Master's degree for English, and since then, his been teaching English to college students. I felt like his story was so touching and inspiring. I mean, can you believe that it actually took him 6 years to figure what he really wanted to do with his life? He loved doing music, but teaching to college students was something he loved to do but also in the same time, he was passionate about it.

It really got me thinking about my education, and what I really want to do with my life after I graduate. It really raised these questions, "Why am I majoring in Marketing?" and "What really is my passion?" I know a lot of people who graduated with their majors, but not neccesarily work in that same field. To be honest, there are a lot of things I want to do with my life. I can name a lot. I want to be a wedding planner, a fashion merchandiser/buyer, a baker or a business women. But really, what am I passionate about? I know a lot of people who already have jobs/careers, but they are not satisfied. They complain everyday that they wished they could've taken a different road. See, I dont want that. I want to be able to go to work happy and enjoy what I do. I want to be passionate about my career. I never really realized how important this issue was until couple days ago when my English teacher challenged us. I then ask myself, why am I in marketing? Is this something I really want to do? If so, in what direction? PR...advertising...branding...I mean I realized there is a lot I can do with marketing, but I begin to ask myself if this is something I really want to do with my life. I wish I could have ask myself this question years ago before I started college. But to think of it again, you never really know what you want to do with your life until you actually hit that tipping point or that "realization" state of mind. If that even makes any sense. I have a lot of goals and dreams. I think my motivation is strong enough to lead me to that road of success. But in all honesty, as of right now, I can say that I don't know what I want to do with my life. That sounds really scary, but I thought about it again, and I feel that it is ok to feel that way. I have dreams and goals in life, and I feel like that it is a starting point to something good. Dont get me wrong, I have an idea of what I want to do, but I feel like I just need to work on it, and decide what is it that I'm really passionate about. I dont want to make a mistake and later realize that it is something I dont want to do. Then it'll just be too late to change. Sometimes it's hard for me to differentiate the word 'passionate' and 'career.' Have you ever thought of that? Is it really possible for someone to have such a great career that they're passionate about? I mean yes maybe...but if so, what are the percentage of people who actually feels that way? I would really like to know.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that not knowing what you really want to do with your life is ok. It's ok to be frustrated and confused. It's ok to take things slow. Slow can be good, just like stress can be constructive. I think there will definitely be a time in someone's life that finally hits them as to what they want to do with their life and what they're really passionate about. I think I've figured mines out, but I definitely need to research more on it. I'm open to anything, but I know if it is something I'm not passionate about, I wont take it...even if they pay me a lot. OK, that sounded really stupid of me, but honestly, I dont want to have a job that I know I'm not passionate about. In the end, it's not about how much you make, its about happiness. Sounds corny, but true.

Hope someone out there can relate to this :)

I miss him so much.

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Wedding at napa

I can't sleep so I thought of blogging some more. These are some pics of a wedding I went to two weeks ago at napa. Couldn't captures great view of the reception since i was using my iPhone, but thought I'd share some with you guys :)















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I've been sick this past week. Today is actually the first day that I feel better. Not 100% better, but getting there. When I get sick, I usually heal pretty fast, but this is the first time in a very long time that takes a while for me to heal. I don't mind having the flu, but when it affects my whole body to the point where I can't work or do anything physically, that's when it really sucks. I didn't go to work last night when I was actually scheduled to. I felt bad for having someone to cover for me, especially when I had to ask last minute. My body really couldnt take it :(

Fall semester is just right around the corner. I'm excited in some ways, but also nervous!

It's 1.30am right now and I should sleep. I have work early tomorrow. :(

Sweet dream all.

Love,
Jessica

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I've been feeling a bit stressed lately. There are some problems I'm facing right now with school, and what really sucks most is the thought that I won't be able to graduate by next May. My life is literally on the borderline and I'm scared to death. I've always been a positive person, but this..I just feel like it's really eating me up, and I'm having constant doubts everyday. I thought I had it all down, ready to go..but unfortunately I was wrong :(

Sometimes I feel as if I'm overdoing things a little too much. I also feel like sometimes I give myself too much and put myself out there that people take advantage of me. I'm the type of person who doesn't like to deal with problems (I know, who does?). I'm not talking just about relationships..I'm talking about life in general. School..work..etc. Sometimes I feel like I do things too much for people, and I don't see it, but I get taken advantage of. I can't help myself. I like to get things done without being said or mentioned. It's not a good thing. The sucky part is I don't mind doing it. I don't want to be taken advantage of, but in the same time, I like to be busy and do things and get them done. I guess what I'm trying to say is I rather do it myself than having to wait for someone else to do it whether or not it's my job. I'm a responsible person when it comes to work or school, but I have to admit that sometimes I don't know the limit between my own responsibility versus doing too much. I like to work. I like being busy and being productive. It's sounds ridiculous, but I enjoy doing the things I do. Yes, I complain and procrastinate once in a while, but I really enjoy doing it..and this, causes me to overdo things :-/ I think the problem is that I get taken advantage of a lot, and I don't see it. I'll see it after couples of days has gone by, but when I'm actually doing it..I don't see it. Doesn't make sense, does it?

I wonder if there's anybody in this world that feels the same way as I do.


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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gjR_6FxlfN0&feature=related

I love Hillsong's new 2010 album 'Beautiful Exchange'. The video above is one of my favorite song from their newest album. God is so good. We all make mistakes. We all sin. People change, but God will always remain the same. He will continue to be good to us even how many times we done wrong.

Run to God...His hands are always open to thosw who seek Him :)

If I was a Billionaire...

The song "Billionaire" by Travis Mcoy is probably the most annoying song I've heard lately on the radio. Since I dont know how to burn music or download music to my iphone (yes i know its ridiculous), all I've been hearing is the radio. Let me be the first to tell you that the song "Billionaire" comes up like every other 10 minutes...or at least that what it feels. When I first heard the song in the radio, I loved it. Then after a while, the song just seems no other like someone complaining they want to be a billionaire so bad, "wishing they were standing next to Oprah and McQueen."

Because I've been hearing that song a million times a day, I start to wonder hmm...what if I was a billionaire? What would I do with all that money? I came up with a list of what I would do with all the money in the order that I would spend it in. You ready? :)

1) Donate to church- I know you all might think I'm insane for donating to church as my first choice. If God gave me the opportunity to be a billionaire, He is the one who has blessed me with all this money...so in return, I would love to donate to my church or any church.

2) Travel to Africa or Asia- Ok now you might probably think I'm crazy for not spending money for myself first. I've always had the heart to donate money to the kids in Africa or in Asia. I know there are a lot of corrupted places in this world. From child hunger, to crazy diseases, to kids having no parents at all..etc'...I probably wont get to go to all the places in this world or help everyone who needs help. Even the riches people in the world aren't able to help everyone who are in need. It's just impossible because there are too many of them. But, if I had the money, instead of donating to a charity, I would love to go to Africa and give them toys or food myself. I want to hand it to the kids and see their faces. I want to experience and see their lifestyle. Maybe I don't need to be a billionaire to do this...just enough money to get me there and enough to buy all the foods and toys. But I thoughtt if only I was a billionaire, I would be able to use the money and reach out to more people.

3) Help my family in Indonesia- My family aren't super rich, but we aren't poor either. I would say that we are in between, enough to survive everyday..or maybe above that. But, I do have families back in Indonesia who are poor and dont have much money. I would love to build them a house, buy them a car to get them to places...something. Maybe help them start a business. Not sure, but I would love to give to my family.

4) Start a business and invest- Yea, you might think why in the world would you want to start a business when you're a billionaire?! Because...eventually all the money will run out. LOL. yes, it will...at least with me it will. I want to be able to spend it wisely and one of them is starting a business and invest on it. Yeah, it would be nice to just travel and lay down at home being a bum, spending money shopping...BUT, eventually, I will probably get bored of that lifestyle. I'm the type of person who likes to be productive (shopping isnt one of them :) This is why I want to own a business. I can always travel the world and relax anytime. I am a billionaire after all.... :)

5) Buy a house/condo- Oh yahhhhh! A delux condo in NYC, a house in Miami, Beverly Hills or Hollywood, of course a house in SF, and a house someplace in Europe. Is it possinle to buy a house in a exclusive island...perhaps in Tahiti? :)

6) SHOPPING SHOPPING SHOPPING! :)

I wonder if a billion dollars would be enough...

Late night blog

It's 1.30 am right now, and I can't sleep :( It must be that ice coffee I drank at work. I didn't do much today. I stayed home in the morning to work on my internship, and worked dinner up until 11pm.

I must say though, I miss school very much. I miss being productive and being busy. I think I'm so used to having so much on my plate, and now that I don't really have much going on, I'm not really used to it. I think what I miss most about school is just being on campus. The whole atmosphere and being there the whole day and getting work done at campus is just something I truly miss. I think I can relate the quote 'you neve miss something until it's gone" to this. Haha :) I love school. I find it really wierd!

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For a long time now, I've been stuck with a decision that I have to make. I never would have thought it would be this hard. I never even thought I would end up in this road. Sometimes life throws us surprises. And sometimes those surprises leads us to make a decision between two choices. See, I'm not good with choices! I am so undecisive when it comes to anything. Dont get me wrong. I know what I want, but I feel like I care so much about what others may think if I make a certain choice. I know that my decision should merely come from myself, but I feel like this choice that I have to make will effect everyone around me--my family to be exact. I dont know what to do. I never thought I would be back in this pedestal after a year, and here I am, back in this puddle. I feel like for once, I need to do something good for myself. I need to think about what makes me happy and what satisfies me. I know that sounds very selfish and greedy of me, but sometimes you just gotta be selfish to be happy or else whats the point of living, right? This really sucks :( I feel like I've been in this road for the longest time, and I want to do something about it, but honestly it's not easy at all for me. I feel like I'm letting time take a hold of my situation. this sucks.

the one?

When I thought of the term "the one", I've always considered it to
someone who will eventually be my husband or someone who I will marry
in the future. Lately, I've been thinking about it, and I'm beginning
to think that the word itself is just over rated. How do you really
know that the person you're with or you love is the one for you? How
do you justify that? I honestly dont think feelings and quality is
enough to justify it. I've heard many people say 'his the one for me.
I just don't know it.' "I just know it"...really? How do you exactly
know? For some people, "the one" really do exists, and sometimes you
don't need to give a great explanation as to why you think they're the
one. Some people just know it. I'm guessing through their instinct?
Yeah, probably. When you first meet a guy, you probably have that
instinct that his the one. You've dated eachother for a long time, and
you guys have the qualities that you look for in eachother. Sure, you
have a great feeling his the one. Most people end up marrying that
person, but I do think that there is a point in a relationship when
you ask yourself, is he really the one for me? Yea, you may say it
before and mean it, but now you just have second thoughts. I used to
think that time really matters. The longer you are with that person,
the more sure and confident you are that the person you're with will
be the one you're gonna end up. Reality check. Not true. The more you
spend your time with that person, the more you see the personality
that person really is. Then you start questioning yourself. Do I
really want to live with this for the rest of my life? Yea, that sound
awful and a bit selfish, but I guess once years have gone by,
sometimes the spark or excitement tends to die. I'm not saying that
it's time to break up when it does happen. I'm just saying that maybe
it's time for a change to make it work.

So what point am i trying to make? The point I'm trying to make is that time does not justify anything. Being with someone for a long time, you notice all the tiny bit of personality and characters that you might dislike. And sometimes things change. You cant control your feelings or emotion. So how do you know exactly if their the one? leave me a comment!!!

I cant believe I'm back to where I've started again. I just cant believe I'm back in this pit. I feel almost stupid, but the funny thing is that even though I'm being bothered, I dont mind. Yea, you ppl who are reading this might say whattt in the world are you talking about? Fair enough. You dont have to understand what I'm talking about. Warning. Dont continue reading!

Honestly, I figured that maybe if I gave it a chance and took that risk, i can see something good out of it. I had hope in it, but the truth is that words dont speak that much louder..actually, not at all. Words doesnt speak at all. Action does. The truth honestly hurts, but it certainly is reality. It's your typical slap in the face. I guess this is something that I must overcome and deal with. After all, time heals everything right? Gosh, I hate saying that sentence. I've said it many times and I cant believe I'm saying it again. ridiculous.

What point am i trying to make here? yeah, good question. Not so sure myself. I guess in all honestly, my point here is that words dont mean anything unless they are put into action. Never trust anybody. You heard me. I dont trust anybody in this world. I dont even trust my own parents. Sounds really awful, but my parents are like any other asian parents. If youre asian, you would know what I'm talking about. Friends? nope, cant trust them either. Guys? certainly cant trust them. It's just so hard for me to trust anybody. I think what my problem is the fact that I trust people's word too easily. I'm too nice, I guess. I want to believe in them, therefore I end up doing so anyways. When I do that, I end up getting hurt in the end. ok, i just read this paragraph and it makes no sense. hahaha.

its 1.30 am right now, and I should be sleeping but i cant. I just wish I can wake up and be the same ol me that I was before. I hate going through this emotional wreck feeling type of thing. I might be a positive and strong person, but in all honesty, I have a sensitive heart. Im not perfect, and its really hard to think positive when youre going through hell. But hey, time heals everything right? I guess this is another one of those life learning experience for me. I dont regret. I never regret. I learn from my mistakes and make sure I dont do it again.

yep, life goes on.

I'm so excited it's summer! But to be honest, I miss school. I know that sounds really wierd, but i miss studying. I miss going to campus, and being productive.

I don't know what's going on with me, but lately I've been feeling so excited. I know that we were placed on this earth for temporary, but I just gotta say I love life. I enjoy every bit of it, even the obstacles and hardships. I always try to stay positive. I'm the type of person who never gives up. When I do something, I do it whole heartedly (sp?) and I work hard for it. Even though I fail, I know that I tried my best for it and that's honestly what matters the most to me. I'm so excited what God has in store for me in the future. I see good things happening, and I know better things will happen in the near future. I think one of the most important things an individual should have is excitement.
If you're excited about life, and have a positive outlook in life, good things will happen. I know that sounds really hard to believe, but I mean everything requires patience and hard work. If you strive to do your best, everything and anything is possible. I'm saying this because I've experienced it, and gone through it. I know it isn't easy to think positive when you're going through hardships, because believe me...it was hard for me, but whenever I'm faced with difficulties, I always flip that problem into something good. I do believe that things happen for a reason, and everything has a reason behind it. (wow what a run on sentence!)

Be positive, and be excited in life! Have faith and expect good things to happen because as long as you believe, you're closer to achieving your wildest dreams :)


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I wish I can express how I truly feel in words. I have all these feelings and emotions inside of me, but I can't put them into words. I don't know how long I've been in this bubble. I wish it was easy for me to handle this situation, but it really isn't. :-/ i honestly don't know how long I can take this anymore. I wish I can follow my heart. I mean, what am I supposed to follow? My heart or mind? The heart is impulsive, but the mind is logic. Heart is what I want to follow, but the mind is like a slap in the face. I think what I fear most is failure. I feel like I should just go for it, take the risk and discover myself, but we all know it isn't easy to do. Well, at least for me :-/ what if I made the wrong decision? That's what I fear most. i dont think anybody in this world gets me or would ever understand this situation I'm in. I know for sure my parents won't. I want to make my own decisions, but I know for one that whatever decision I choose to make, it'll affect my whole family, and everything else that seem to be the reason why I'm still in this bubble.

What am I gonna do?



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Twitter

If you guys have twitter, follow me!

www.twitter.com/beautiifulstrug

I used to have it on private, but becuase I have to also use it for my internship, I had to leave it on public.

I'm laying in bed right now..thanks to my blogger app on my phone I can blog while laying in bed (: there's nothing much that happened today, except something interesting happened today, but that's all I'm gonna say about it.

Goodnight sweet dreams bloggers

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I can't believe this semester is finally coming to an end. Despite how much I want this semester to end, I have to admit that this semester was by far the challengest semester yet. I know I say that every semester, but this year I felt like I really got to use my skills and knowledge. I felt like this semester really challenged myself to be prepared for the working world.

I just finished my last presentation of the semester. Our group was chosen and honored to present to Target executives and the Business Dean and it's department. The whole concept of this project deals with the idea of the cosmetic section in Target. Our goal was to basically change the entire cosmetic section and come up with something that is more appealing to the consumers, and in the same time increase sales and foot traffic. (if you haven't noticed, their current layout isn't very appealing). Basically if we win, we get a $1,000 scholarship. Unfortunately, we didn't win :( but I felt like either way, I'm happy with our presentation. I couldn't have done it a different way. It was such a great experience overall to even present to these people. I mean out of all the other groups, our Professor chose us to present, so that already was such a blessing and honor. (:

I have 2 semesters left until I graduate. I know that seems like forever, but I feel like it'll go by fairly quick. As much as I want to graduate asap and get out of school, I want to savor each and every moment I have this last year in school, learn as much as I can, and get as much experience I can possibly get. I value education so much. I mean I'm not perfect or a genius in any way. I dont get straight A's. In fact, as a student I've never gotten straight A's before, but I feel like as long as you tried your best and gave it your all, that's what matter most in the end, even if you fail. I mean nobody wants to fail or to lose in any situation, but I think every failure is definitely a learning experience. You take what you didn't do or could have done better as guide for you in the future.

"You live, and you learn" Alannis Morsette

Hey guys,

It's been a while since I blogged. I know I always say that. Maybe because I remember how often I used to blog before. :) Nothing much is new with me. Lately, I've just been trying to focus in school. Yes, "try" and enjoy life at the same time of course. It's hard to manage work, school, and fun. I try to keep those 3balance, although deep down I want fun more than either school or work.

Spring break was not so fun like I planned it to be. Whenever I plan things, it never works out. This is the ultimate reason why I never plan. I just let it flow, and see where the day takes me. :) Dont get me wrong. I plan for important things. It's not like I dont plan at all! The weather wasnt so nice either so there was nothing much I can do. I initially planned to spend my spring break in the beach or anything that has to do with outdoors, but weve been getting nothing but rain and wind. Totally failed!

I cant believe I have 7-8 weeks left of school. More so, I'm surprised it's already the month of April. This year is going by too quickly. I just want to stop the time and savor each moment of the day and make it last long. Of course there are certain days where I just want to get the day over with, but other than that, I'm enjoying life right now, and living my life to the fullest. I have great friends and a loving family. What more can one ask? haha, okay. I just thought about it over, and yes, maybe there are certain things that I wish I had, but I dont want to complain about something that could have been or could have, because I do believe that things happen for a reason, and things happen because its supposed to happen the way they are. (WOW, what a run on sentence!)

'Til then bloggers!

Symphony- Marie Digby

Here I go again in my dreamy eyes
I should be content but something's just not satisfied, oh
It's nothing that you did, I'm still on your side
I can't love you if I'm not sure who I am inside

'Cause there are some questions that need some answers
What is it I'm really after?
The clock's ticking so I can't wait around

This is my now, this is my today
No more sitting on the side waiting for my chance to play
Time to step out, so much to say
But I'll never get the chance if I don't break away
And write my own symphony, write my own symphony
Just let me write my own symphony

I've always got my head way up in the clouds
Something in me wants to fly away and leave the ground, oh
If you could hear my thoughts when no one's around
Then you'd understand my fear of being held down

'Cause I wanna explore the world around me
Dance under the stars above me
And be free to make my own mistakes

'Cause every minute you're here with me
It gets harder to turn and walk away..
But I gotta chase my destiny
No matter how hard or long it takes
-------
This song exactly explains how i've been feeling this past week.

break-and-blog

Thank God spring break is just right around the corner! I just finished my last exam, and let me tell you it was the second worse testing experience in my life (I had my 1st worse testing experience last semester ago :) Anyways, this test that I just did was multiple choice plus 2 long answer essay question. Out of 30 questions from the multiple choice, 10 of them was based on calculations that I studied almost all night long, and for some reason reason, I couldn't solve those 10 problems today. I was completely blank. I know the problem, but I just didnt know how to get the numbers. OMG. seriously. The worse experience ever. 10 minutes before I had to turn in my test, somewhere in this brain of mines FINALLY figured out how to solve the problem. Unfortunately, I had to guess the last 2 questions since I didn't have anymore time to finish them. :-/ I was happy enough just being able to answer most of the problems, without walking out of the test room feeling like a complete failure.

On the brightside, I'm about to go to this Michael Kors event in Standford Mall for my internship. Although I'm pretty excited about it, I'm feeling super tired at this point. I didnt get much sleep last night, and I'm sitting here in the computer lab with half of my eyes open. I'm hoping the event will go by smoothly and will end my night with a happy note, because all I can think of right now is my bed and blanket. I feel like staying home and be a potatoe couch ;) JUST FOR ONE DAY :)

Alrighty guys, I'm off to Palo Alto. Wish me luck! have a blessed rest of the day and always stay positive!

love,
Jessica

I'm not sure how many blogs I've made over the past couple of years, but I think I've made at least 5 blogs total, and for some reason, I've always managed to update this blog the most. I deleted two of my other blogs because it was useless to have it. Yeah, it's empty! So now, I only have this blog, and I just recently made a new blog. I promise you I will update the new one more often. I wanted to have a blog about my personal thoughts, more like a diary. I think I did pretty good with this blog, but I also wanted a blog where I can write about my passion: fashion, food and fun! So here it is guys:

Jessicatirta.blogspot.com

Add me! Read me! Comment me! (:


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Have you ever had people talk behind your backs? If you know someone who does, you should know how it feels like. I don't understand why people talk smack behind you and act all nice and friendly in the front. Oh wait. I should be happy. It's so great to know that I'm on their mind and they have the time to even talk about me. You know, I really dont know this person. She doesn't even know me, but I know for one that people who talks bad about you to other people either means 1.) she's not satisfied with her life, 2.) she's insecure, and 3.) she's simply jealous of you. It's funny how we barely even talk, and hearing from my friend that she is talking bad about me is like WOW, really? You notice these little things about me and then turn it into something negative and then talk crap about me? I must be really special.

Please look in the mirror before you talk about other people miss. Evaluate yourself before you evaluate other people--not just me, I'm talking about the other people you've been talking about. Thanks.