I find it sort of crazy how I have an account for almost all the "blogging" networks imaginable. First Xanga, Blogger, Wordpress, and now I have Tumblr. I deleted my Xanga long ago when I fell in love with Blogger. Peep me at beautiifulstruggle.tumblr.com. I love how I can tumblr through my iPhone. For every thought or whatever is going through my mind, I can just tumblr it.

goodnight sweet dreams <3

Take me to this place.

It`s 2.30 am and I`m still awake. I think I have a sleeping disorder. Insomnia, maybe? 1 sheep...2 sheep...

Sometimes life is full of surprises. You never know what to expect. I certainly never saw this coming, and to me, everything just seems to be happening so fast. I've never really got a chance to stop and think where this is leading me, and honestly I'm kind of having doubts in this whole situtation. I think my weakness has always been bringing up past experiences and kind of questioning "what if" this or that happens to me with the situation I'm going through right now. I think I've been pretty good in letting go of my past, but I think the experience and situation was so taunting that I'm kind of afraid that it might happen again. I really dont want to put myself in that position anymore. Sometimes I feel like being in a relationship can be so special, but in the same time, I'm just tired of all the lies, and it just makes me want to say that I'm fine without one right now. I think I've always stayed in my comfort zone, and maybe I'm not brave enough to take the risk. I dont know, but something about this situation, I dont really care where this is taking me, and I dont really want to know. I think I've been hurt too much in the past that I've become this strong. I don't think I've become cold towards this situation, but I've definitely become more aware.

thats all... :)

Something to remember...

Although I have so much things going on right now, in the end of the day, I can say that God is good, and He will continue to be good to us. Sometimes life can be so brutal, and yes, at times it’s hard to understand why these things are happening, but there’s a reason behind why they are unsearchable. Whenever I’m faced with obstacles and challenges (especially with school), I am reminded that there are other people out there that has it more bad than us, and their problems is nothing compared to mines. Although I dont think I can ever reduce my procrastination or complaining (believe me…I’m trying), I’ve learned appreciate what I have and embrace the place I’m in.

have a great day guys!

Hey guys,

Hope everyone had a great weekend. My weekend was alright. It went by really quick, and I'm not ready to say goodbye to weekend. I spend most of my Saturday studying at home, and later that night I went to hang out in the City and had dinner with my friend. On Sunday, I went to church, and studied with my classmate in the library almost the whole afternoon. Bleh. I really can't wait for Thanksgiving break to end. I have so much things to finish and so little time. I am such a procrastinator. Is that even a word?

On a lighternote, I'm going to Indonesia on December. I didn't really expect to go back, cause I actually wanted to spend my Holidays here, but my mom offered me to go, and said that my family and relatives all miss me and my sister, so I guess I'll be spending my winter vacation there. I'm actually really excited to go back. I havent been back for almost 3 years, and I really miss my family there. I miss my grandpa the most though. He was the one who took care of me since I was still a baby, and I barely ever get to see him. I love and miss you grandpa. see you soon :)

chocolate souffle or pudding?

I don't know what I want. Stuck in the middle...

If there is one thing I learned today, it will be the willingness to take risks. I've always been scared and uncomfortable taking risks. Even though deep down I want to take chances, I've always been hesitant. I learned that life isn't perfect. Even if I take the risk, and it may or may not work in the end, at least I know I've gave it a try, and from there, I can learn from my mistakes. I feel like taking this risk allows me to trust people more, and I feel like for once, I'm stepping outside my comfort zone. And to be honest, I don't even care what the outcome is. kapeesh?

I just realized my recent blogs sounds so depressing, and all I talk about is school. So here goes a happy blog (:

This semester is flying by SO fast. I cant believe in less than a month Fall semester is going to end. I'm enjoying this semester more than I expected, and I'm honestly gonna miss it. I've met new friends, and great people along the way. I'm super excited for the Holidays, and even though most of my friends are leaving to Indonesia for Christmas, I'm just excited to relax and do the things I want to do that I cant do this semester. I don't know if NYC is still on my list. I'm trying to get my family to go, but they cant take a vacation, and well my friends are all leaving to Indo, and some are spending the Holidays here. It would suck to go alone. I mean, I can always go myself, but I dont know anybody there? Who wants to come with me? (:

I need to remind myself to not make the same mistake again....

Something is telling me to take the risk, but another part of me is hesitating. What do I do?

Well see...

stressed. I've never been this stress ever in my life. So much pressure and emotions running through my veins. I cant take it anymore, I feel so weak and as much as I defend myself, it gets me nowhere. I'm so tired of it. im sick of it.

When are exams ever gonna end? I feel like I've been stacked with exams every week now since last month. I've been going through the same routine for the past 2 months and its burning me out. Classes in the morning till the afternoon, go home, study, eat, shower, study till late, sleep, wake up, and the day starts all over again with the same routine. I know I shouldn't be complaining, but this is burning me out to the max. Ok, I have to stop complaining!

I just finished with my DS exam today, and what do you knowwww? I got another exam next week, in which i have to prepare starting today, BUT, I'm not even studying right now. Why? because I feel like I need a break. bleh. "Successful people dont take breaks, they keep on going." OH WELL.

The weather in SF has been so inconsistent lately. Once day its super hot, the next it's raining, and the next its super hot again. Today was so windy. I hate those days when there is sunshine, but its sooo cold. It almost feels like youre in Alaska. Icy cold!

“Disturb us, Lord, when we are too well pleased with ourselves,
when our dreams have come true because we have dreamed too little,
when we arrive safely because we sailed too close to the shore.

Disturb us, Lord, when with the abundance of things we possess,
we have lost our thirst for the waters of life, having fallen in love with life,
we have ceased to dream of eternity, and in our efforts to build a new earth,
we have allowed our vision of the new heaven to dim.

Disturb us, Lord, to dare more boldly, to venture on wider seas, where storms will show your mastery, where losing sight of land, we shall find the stars. We ask you to push back the horizon of our hopes, and to push us into the future in strength, courage, hope, and love.
This we ask in the name of our Captain, who is Jesus Christ. “
— Francis Drake

wonderful life...

It's been one crazy week! These two weeks has been completely crazy. I've been getting no sleep at all. Exam week sucks. Ruining my life! Yesterday, I slept at 5.30am, woke up for class at 7am this morning, had class from 9am-12pm, had a "break" for 2 hours, but not really considered a break since I was studying for my exam. Took the exam at 2pm, went home, ate, did my two bio report lab, studied for Bio quiz, and now here I am blogging. WHAT A LIFE! I must admit, I like being productive. I hate not being productive, and ok so why am I complaining right? I'm just honestly tired and drained. I feel cranky these past two weeks. I just need sleep, but I feel like if I sleep, I might not wake up or I might lose focus, so I don't sleep. bleh! Today was my last day of exam 1. I can finally rest at least for another 2 weeks before my 2nd exam starts again. I feel really challanged this semester, not only because Im taking 6 classes, but because I feel like for once I'm taking classes that I love, but in the same time its pretty challenging. I dont know if that made any sense, but I think this semester is going to be a great one!

Aside of school, everything has been great. Okay, maybe not so great. Ever since this whole exam started two weeks ago, and the whole lack of sleep situation, everything I do effects the way my mood. I dont feel like doing much. I just want to go home and rest after a long day, and yeah sounds pretty boring, but I dont have any more energy or strength to go out anymore. My friends all think I'm crazy for studying too much. ok enough of the school talk, seriously.

its 1 am right now, and I dont know why im still awake when i should be getting my sleep. Okay, I should probably be sleeping soon. Until then....

Goodnight sweet dreams
<3 Jess

One crazy week

This week was beyond crazy and tiring :( I had 4 exams, and one more next week. I feel like I haven't even have time for myself. Been waking up super early, sleeping super late and the routine like so continues like that for the whole week. My sleeping hours is so messed up and I feel like I've been consuming myself with so much caffeine and energy drinks just to keep myself awake. On the lighternote, studying does pay off though. I totally feel that studying boosts up my confidence, and my worry level decrease by 50%. haha :) Meaning, I still worry and get nervous before exams, but at least its down by 50%. You know that feeling when you're buzzed? You kinda feel dizzy and light headed right? Thats the way I felt today. I guess its because I didnt get much sleep, so I felt so light headed, almost like the feeling as if you were buzzed. The unfortunates of getting lack of sleep is seriously not fun. I respond to people late and I feel clueless and blank! I had lunch with my friend today, and he asked me why I was so quiet and looked so blank. I simply said, LACK OF SLEEP! Another unfortunate is I get so cranky and moody. Seriously. I felt like everyone was so annoying today. I just felt like slapping each and everyone. haha. sorry. just the honest truth. ^^

To top it off, work was even worser. I spilled 5 bowls of ponzu sauce all over the floor, and knocked down couple glasses of water on the floor as well. Its super embarrassing. Sigh. Today is just not my kind of day. :( I hope tomorrow will be better. I'm just excited for the weekend. Though I have another exam to study for, at least I have a day or two to enjoy before I head back to my torture zone. :)

Ok it's almost 1am and I should be sleeping, but why arent i? I dont know. I'm a stubborn girl, remember? Ok, I should probably go to bed and catch on my sleeping hours.

goodnight guys,
Jess

I thought I would do a short blog before I study. (: I just got off work an hour ago. I feel tired and exhausted, but I have to start studying for my exams next week. This is when I seriously question myself why in the world did I choose to take 6 classes this semester! bleh. \

This week has been so crappy for me. No idea why. I just feel crappy. So many things to do, and so little time. I feel like I lose focus easily over small things, and that's not good. I really need to focus, but I feel like there is so many distractions heading my way. I have family visiting from Indonesia, so I have no choice but to accompany them. My other relatives are also here for a month, so yeah I have to accompany them too. It's just frustrating. I feel bad for not accompanying them, but in the same time, I have so many responsibilities and other things that I need to get done. How in the world am I supposed to prioritize? My family is important, but so is my school work. Sigh...

Sometimes I feel like life is so unfair. I know this might sound selfish, but I don't like not getting what I want. Let me rephrase that. I like getting things my way, and if I don't get them my way, it just sucks. Yeah, I know that sound selfish of me to say, but what can I right? Humans are never satisfied with anything and everything. True, right? I think this is why I've been feeling crappy lately. Aside of my family being here and being busy with the University, I feel like I have drown into a pit of a black empty hole. I think I'm beginning to realize that whatever I did was not worth it, and it sure is not worth my time. I have to admit. I made a huge mistake, and I somewhat regret it. I should have never questioned myself and followed my heart. Now, it's just hard on me. But things happen for a reason, right? Now, I just have to deal with it. SIGH. Bad timing, seriously. I cant lose focus now. Its a sucky feeling. I hate having to deal with the leftover crap. I wish I can blog happy blogs, but right now its just so sucky. :(

Okay this is getting way too long. I need to study! ^^

blessed day,
Jess

---

Lately everywhere I go, I see a resemblance of you...

I don't know what to do. I'm stuck in between, and though I know what the right thing is for me to do, I don't want to do it. I can honestly say that I'm scared to lose what I have, but I also don't want to lose the friendship that I've already built. So what do I do? Someone has to get hurt in the end. I have to do it.

Almost Perfect. . .

One more day of long weekend, and back to school )= I really enjoyed my Labor Day weekend. It was nice for a change to do something with my friends that I never really got the chance to do on a usual weekend. We went to Santa Cruz on Saturday. Went to a spa called Tea Tree Spa and hit the beaches. Love it! The rest of the night got really blurry, cause I was completely buzzed after drinking a couple of drinks.

The whole weekend just seemed almost perfect. I enjoyed every moment of it. Its like I'm in this dream and I just dont want to wake up from it. I feel like I am living a fairytale right now. :( I hate saying goodbye. I am so helpless right now...

My life is so confusing right now. Nobody has an idea how confusing it is! OK, this is a very useless blog, so PLEASE don't read it, unless you have no life but to read my rants! I am in the middle of confused and sure. Does that even make any sense? I don't understand myself! Most of my friends say that I'm a positive person, but this....THIS I just don't think I can be positive about. I am too confused to fit positive in this situation. Man, I don't know what to do! I really don't know what I should do. I don't even know what is the right thing to do. OMG. I am going crazy! Someone needs to calm me down! I AM A CRAZY WOMEN!

I'm so excited for this weekend! I have a 5 day weekend. No school friday, labor day on monday, and next week is furlough day, so it means I have a 5 day weekend! I'm starting to like the idea of furlough days! Sucks for the teachers, but we benefit them with days off from school! The only unfortunate thing is that some professors are lame and are not willing to teach certain material that is supposed to be covered on the furlough day, that means we have to learn it ourselves. blah!

I wasnt feeling so well today. Maybe its the lack of sleep I've been getting. Last night, I couldnt sleep until 3-4am ish cause of that caramel macchiato I drank from campus. Yeah yeah, I told you I'm stubborn! I'm bad with caffiene, but I still drink it anyways! I was having runny nose, my throat was itchy, and my eyes felt so heavy. I feel a bit better now because I took a little nap this afternoon. Hopefully I feel better for the weekend! :)

Ok, I dont know why I am blogging when I should be reading! Ok, signing off!

Jess