beautifulstruggle

Decades

2011-08-06T01:48:00.001-07:00

Wow, its been ages since I've written here. I've moved to beautiifulstruggle.wordpress.com

Read me there. :)

2010-11-04T22:56:00.000-07:00

He makes me feel beautiful...
He makes me feel safe...
He makes me feel secure...
He makes me feel amazing...

He makes me happy.

2010-09-26T01:31:00.000-07:00

I lost something so valuable to me today. I was so upset at myself, but then again, I keep reminding myself that accidents happen, especially unexpectedly. This meant so much to me and I just cant believe I lost it. It wasnt the value or how much it cost, but it did came from someone special. so sad :( I felt like crying. I traced everywhere I go, but I cant remember where it can possibly be lost. :(

bummed .

2010-09-18T22:50:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was such a perfect day. I had such a great time, even if it we were just at home or not doing anything at all. For once, I felt so happy and content. I've waited so long to hear it, and hearing it makes me feel that maybe, just maybe, this will work out. There were other things that I wanted to hear, but I was happy enough knowing that he was able to open up and honestly tell me how he feels. I couldnt be happier. I think that maybe all of this is worth trying, worth fighting for, and worth the risk. <3

2010-09-08T00:29:00.000-07:00

It's 12.30 am right now. I should be sleeping, but I'm not sleepy yet. I just got out from work an hour ago. I'm really enjoying work and the people I work with. I know I procrastinate alot, but at the end of the day, I really love what I do and I love my co workers (who became a very much close friends of mines). I'm really enjoying life right now. I dont know how I can get through life or any day without my friends. They really are my inspiration, and my emotional support. I can say that I have a lot of friends, but I only have a few close ones that I share my life with. I'm SO thankful for them.

I was going through so much problems this past week with school. I felt like I had no more hope. I was hitting rock bottom, and I just felt like my life was going to end. If you read my previous blogs, you would probably know what I'm talking about. My friends all knew what I was going through, and they encouraged me and told me everything was going to be ok. I knew that everything was NOT going to be ok. I couldnt be positive about it. It was so hard on me, but my all my friends said that I can do it and not to worry about it. Turns out, they were right. Everything turned out to be a success today, and if it werent from the support of my friends, and God, I dont think I would be able to handle the situation.

So, cherish your true friends. Show them that you care, cause in the end, all you got is your friends, family, and God :)

2010-08-30T22:49:00.001-07:00

Listening to Thinking of you by Katy Perry really brings back memories. I can almost remember everything that happened last year..and it's even more amazing that those feelings and emotions are being replaced with something even better. I feel content with everything. I'm trying to see things in a better view. Sometimes taking things slow can be good. I definitely think that things are improving and getting better. I think only time will tell. I'm satisfied :)

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2010-08-26T20:34:00.000-07:00

Have you guys ever wondered what you really want to do with your life? Maybe some of you who already have careers and can't relate to this. Maybe, yes? But these past few days, I've been challenged by my English teacher (my last english class...thank God!) During the beginning of the class, my Professor talked about his life and where he came from etc...He then talked about his goals and his dream. He was in school for 6 years because he didnt like what he did so he changed his major several times. He was first a Music major, then he decided he wasn't any good, so he switched over to an English major. After couple of years doing that, he had to write a thesis or some sort of long essay talking about his goals and what he wanted to do in life, and he told us that he wasn't able to write that essay. He spend 3 months working on it, but nothing good came out of it. He said that writing was not a problem, but writing something from the heart that can really grab the audience was really hard. He then decided to stop doing that and went back home and ended up working at a record store. (I promise this story will lead to somewhere) While he was working at the record store, he also taught Latin to college students, and finally realized that teaching was something he truly loved. Not only teaching Latin, but teaching to a group of college students was his passion. He then took his Master's degree for English, and since then, his been teaching English to college students. I felt like his story was so touching and inspiring. I mean, can you believe that it actually took him 6 years to figure what he really wanted to do with his life? He loved doing music, but teaching to college students was something he loved to do but also in the same time, he was passionate about it.

It really got me thinking about my education, and what I really want to do with my life after I graduate. It really raised these questions, "Why am I majoring in Marketing?" and "What really is my passion?" I know a lot of people who graduated with their majors, but not neccesarily work in that same field. To be honest, there are a lot of things I want to do with my life. I can name a lot. I want to be a wedding planner, a fashion merchandiser/buyer, a baker or a business women. But really, what am I passionate about? I know a lot of people who already have jobs/careers, but they are not satisfied. They complain everyday that they wished they could've taken a different road. See, I dont want that. I want to be able to go to work happy and enjoy what I do. I want to be passionate about my career. I never really realized how important this issue was until couple days ago when my English teacher challenged us. I then ask myself, why am I in marketing? Is this something I really want to do? If so, in what direction? PR...advertising...branding...I mean I realized there is a lot I can do with marketing, but I begin to ask myself if this is something I really want to do with my life. I wish I could have ask myself this question years ago before I started college. But to think of it again, you never really know what you want to do with your life until you actually hit that tipping point or that "realization" state of mind. If that even makes any sense. I have a lot of goals and dreams. I think my motivation is strong enough to lead me to that road of success. But in all honesty, as of right now, I can say that I don't know what I want to do with my life. That sounds really scary, but I thought about it again, and I feel that it is ok to feel that way. I have dreams and goals in life, and I feel like that it is a starting point to something good. Dont get me wrong, I have an idea of what I want to do, but I feel like I just need to work on it, and decide what is it that I'm really passionate about. I dont want to make a mistake and later realize that it is something I dont want to do. Then it'll just be too late to change. Sometimes it's hard for me to differentiate the word 'passionate' and 'career.' Have you ever thought of that? Is it really possible for someone to have such a great career that they're passionate about? I mean yes maybe...but if so, what are the percentage of people who actually feels that way? I would really like to know.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that not knowing what you really want to do with your life is ok. It's ok to be frustrated and confused. It's ok to take things slow. Slow can be good, just like stress can be constructive. I think there will definitely be a time in someone's life that finally hits them as to what they want to do with their life and what they're really passionate about. I think I've figured mines out, but I definitely need to research more on it. I'm open to anything, but I know if it is something I'm not passionate about, I wont take it...even if they pay me a lot. OK, that sounded really stupid of me, but honestly, I dont want to have a job that I know I'm not passionate about. In the end, it's not about how much you make, its about happiness. Sounds corny, but true.

Hope someone out there can relate to this :)

2010-08-22T18:54:00.001-07:00

I miss him so much.

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Wedding at napa

2010-08-12T01:38:00.001-07:00

I can't sleep so I thought of blogging some more. These are some pics of a wedding I went to two weeks ago at napa. Couldn't captures great view of the reception since i was using my iPhone, but thought I'd share some with you guys :)

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2010-08-12T01:31:00.001-07:00

I've been sick this past week. Today is actually the first day that I feel better. Not 100% better, but getting there. When I get sick, I usually heal pretty fast, but this is the first time in a very long time that takes a while for me to heal. I don't mind having the flu, but when it affects my whole body to the point where I can't work or do anything physically, that's when it really sucks. I didn't go to work last night when I was actually scheduled to. I felt bad for having someone to cover for me, especially when I had to ask last minute. My body really couldnt take it :(

Fall semester is just right around the corner. I'm excited in some ways, but also nervous!

It's 1.30am right now and I should sleep. I have work early tomorrow. :(

Sweet dream all.

Love,
Jessica

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2010-08-03T00:07:00.000-07:00

I've been feeling a bit stressed lately. There are some problems I'm facing right now with school, and what really sucks most is the thought that I won't be able to graduate by next May. My life is literally on the borderline and I'm scared to death. I've always been a positive person, but this..I just feel like it's really eating me up, and I'm having constant doubts everyday. I thought I had it all down, ready to go..but unfortunately I was wrong :(

Sometimes I feel as if I'm overdoing things a little too much. I also feel like sometimes I give myself too much and put myself out there that people take advantage of me. I'm the type of person who doesn't like to deal with problems (I know, who does?). I'm not talking just about relationships..I'm talking about life in general. School..work..etc. Sometimes I feel like I do things too much for people, and I don't see it, but I get taken advantage of. I can't help myself. I like to get things done without being said or mentioned. It's not a good thing. The sucky part is I don't mind doing it. I don't want to be taken advantage of, but in the same time, I like to be busy and do things and get them done. I guess what I'm trying to say is I rather do it myself than having to wait for someone else to do it whether or not it's my job. I'm a responsible person when it comes to work or school, but I have to admit that sometimes I don't know the limit between my own responsibility versus doing too much. I like to work. I like being busy and being productive. It's sounds ridiculous, but I enjoy doing the things I do. Yes, I complain and procrastinate once in a while, but I really enjoy doing it..and this, causes me to overdo things :-/ I think the problem is that I get taken advantage of a lot, and I don't see it. I'll see it after couples of days has gone by, but when I'm actually doing it..I don't see it. Doesn't make sense, does it?

I wonder if there's anybody in this world that feels the same way as I do.

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2010-07-22T21:06:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gjR_6FxlfN0&feature=related

I love Hillsong's new 2010 album 'Beautiful Exchange'. The video above is one of my favorite song from their newest album. God is so good. We all make mistakes. We all sin. People change, but God will always remain the same. He will continue to be good to us even how many times we done wrong.

Run to God...His hands are always open to thosw who seek Him :)

If I was a Billionaire...

2010-07-21T17:20:00.000-07:00

The song "Billionaire" by Travis Mcoy is probably the most annoying song I've heard lately on the radio. Since I dont know how to burn music or download music to my iphone (yes i know its ridiculous), all I've been hearing is the radio. Let me be the first to tell you that the song "Billionaire" comes up like every other 10 minutes...or at least that what it feels. When I first heard the song in the radio, I loved it. Then after a while, the song just seems no other like someone complaining they want to be a billionaire so bad, "wishing they were standing next to Oprah and McQueen."

Because I've been hearing that song a million times a day, I start to wonder hmm...what if I was a billionaire? What would I do with all that money? I came up with a list of what I would do with all the money in the order that I would spend it in. You ready? :)

1) Donate to church- I know you all might think I'm insane for donating to church as my first choice. If God gave me the opportunity to be a billionaire, He is the one who has blessed me with all this money...so in return, I would love to donate to my church or any church.

2) Travel to Africa or Asia- Ok now you might probably think I'm crazy for not spending money for myself first. I've always had the heart to donate money to the kids in Africa or in Asia. I know there are a lot of corrupted places in this world. From child hunger, to crazy diseases, to kids having no parents at all..etc'...I probably wont get to go to all the places in this world or help everyone who needs help. Even the riches people in the world aren't able to help everyone who are in need. It's just impossible because there are too many of them. But, if I had the money, instead of donating to a charity, I would love to go to Africa and give them toys or food myself. I want to hand it to the kids and see their faces. I want to experience and see their lifestyle. Maybe I don't need to be a billionaire to do this...just enough money to get me there and enough to buy all the foods and toys. But I thoughtt if only I was a billionaire, I would be able to use the money and reach out to more people.

3) Help my family in Indonesia- My family aren't super rich, but we aren't poor either. I would say that we are in between, enough to survive everyday..or maybe above that. But, I do have families back in Indonesia who are poor and dont have much money. I would love to build them a house, buy them a car to get them to places...something. Maybe help them start a business. Not sure, but I would love to give to my family.

4) Start a business and invest- Yea, you might think why in the world would you want to start a business when you're a billionaire?! Because...eventually all the money will run out. LOL. yes, it will...at least with me it will. I want to be able to spend it wisely and one of them is starting a business and invest on it. Yeah, it would be nice to just travel and lay down at home being a bum, spending money shopping...BUT, eventually, I will probably get bored of that lifestyle. I'm the type of person who likes to be productive (shopping isnt one of them :) This is why I want to own a business. I can always travel the world and relax anytime. I am a billionaire after all.... :)

5) Buy a house/condo- Oh yahhhhh! A delux condo in NYC, a house in Miami, Beverly Hills or Hollywood, of course a house in SF, and a house someplace in Europe. Is it possinle to buy a house in a exclusive island...perhaps in Tahiti? :)

6) SHOPPING SHOPPING SHOPPING! :)

I wonder if a billion dollars would be enough...

Late night blog

2010-07-20T01:36:00.001-07:00

It's 1.30 am right now, and I can't sleep :( It must be that ice coffee I drank at work. I didn't do much today. I stayed home in the morning to work on my internship, and worked dinner up until 11pm.

I must say though, I miss school very much. I miss being productive and being busy. I think I'm so used to having so much on my plate, and now that I don't really have much going on, I'm not really used to it. I think what I miss most about school is just being on campus. The whole atmosphere and being there the whole day and getting work done at campus is just something I truly miss. I think I can relate the quote 'you neve miss something until it's gone" to this. Haha :) I love school. I find it really wierd!

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2010-06-28T23:54:00.000-07:00

For a long time now, I've been stuck with a decision that I have to make. I never would have thought it would be this hard. I never even thought I would end up in this road. Sometimes life throws us surprises. And sometimes those surprises leads us to make a decision between two choices. See, I'm not good with choices! I am so undecisive when it comes to anything. Dont get me wrong. I know what I want, but I feel like I care so much about what others may think if I make a certain choice. I know that my decision should merely come from myself, but I feel like this choice that I have to make will effect everyone around me--my family to be exact. I dont know what to do. I never thought I would be back in this pedestal after a year, and here I am, back in this puddle. I feel like for once, I need to do something good for myself. I need to think about what makes me happy and what satisfies me. I know that sounds very selfish and greedy of me, but sometimes you just gotta be selfish to be happy or else whats the point of living, right? This really sucks :( I feel like I've been in this road for the longest time, and I want to do something about it, but honestly it's not easy at all for me. I feel like I'm letting time take a hold of my situation. this sucks.

the one?

2010-06-03T20:54:00.000-07:00

When I thought of the term "the one", I've always considered it to
someone who will eventually be my husband or someone who I will marry
in the future. Lately, I've been thinking about it, and I'm beginning
to think that the word itself is just over rated. How do you really
know that the person you're with or you love is the one for you? How
do you justify that? I honestly dont think feelings and quality is
enough to justify it. I've heard many people say 'his the one for me.
I just don't know it.' "I just know it"...really? How do you exactly
know? For some people, "the one" really do exists, and sometimes you
don't need to give a great explanation as to why you think they're the
one. Some people just know it. I'm guessing through their instinct?
Yeah, probably. When you first meet a guy, you probably have that
instinct that his the one. You've dated eachother for a long time, and
you guys have the qualities that you look for in eachother. Sure, you
have a great feeling his the one. Most people end up marrying that
person, but I do think that there is a point in a relationship when
you ask yourself, is he really the one for me? Yea, you may say it
before and mean it, but now you just have second thoughts. I used to
think that time really matters. The longer you are with that person,
the more sure and confident you are that the person you're with will
be the one you're gonna end up. Reality check. Not true. The more you
spend your time with that person, the more you see the personality
that person really is. Then you start questioning yourself. Do I
really want to live with this for the rest of my life? Yea, that sound
awful and a bit selfish, but I guess once years have gone by,
sometimes the spark or excitement tends to die. I'm not saying that
it's time to break up when it does happen. I'm just saying that maybe
it's time for a change to make it work.

So what point am i trying to make? The point I'm trying to make is that time does not justify anything. Being with someone for a long time, you notice all the tiny bit of personality and characters that you might dislike. And sometimes things change. You cant control your feelings or emotion. So how do you know exactly if their the one? leave me a comment!!!

2010-05-30T01:19:00.001-07:00

I cant believe I'm back to where I've started again. I just cant believe I'm back in this pit. I feel almost stupid, but the funny thing is that even though I'm being bothered, I dont mind. Yea, you ppl who are reading this might say whattt in the world are you talking about? Fair enough. You dont have to understand what I'm talking about. Warning. Dont continue reading!

Honestly, I figured that maybe if I gave it a chance and took that risk, i can see something good out of it. I had hope in it, but the truth is that words dont speak that much louder..actually, not at all. Words doesnt speak at all. Action does. The truth honestly hurts, but it certainly is reality. It's your typical slap in the face. I guess this is something that I must overcome and deal with. After all, time heals everything right? Gosh, I hate saying that sentence. I've said it many times and I cant believe I'm saying it again. ridiculous.

What point am i trying to make here? yeah, good question. Not so sure myself. I guess in all honestly, my point here is that words dont mean anything unless they are put into action. Never trust anybody. You heard me. I dont trust anybody in this world. I dont even trust my own parents. Sounds really awful, but my parents are like any other asian parents. If youre asian, you would know what I'm talking about. Friends? nope, cant trust them either. Guys? certainly cant trust them. It's just so hard for me to trust anybody. I think what my problem is the fact that I trust people's word too easily. I'm too nice, I guess. I want to believe in them, therefore I end up doing so anyways. When I do that, I end up getting hurt in the end. ok, i just read this paragraph and it makes no sense. hahaha.

its 1.30 am right now, and I should be sleeping but i cant. I just wish I can wake up and be the same ol me that I was before. I hate going through this emotional wreck feeling type of thing. I might be a positive and strong person, but in all honesty, I have a sensitive heart. Im not perfect, and its really hard to think positive when youre going through hell. But hey, time heals everything right? I guess this is another one of those life learning experience for me. I dont regret. I never regret. I learn from my mistakes and make sure I dont do it again.

yep, life goes on.

2010-05-26T17:52:00.001-07:00

I'm so excited it's summer! But to be honest, I miss school. I know that sounds really wierd, but i miss studying. I miss going to campus, and being productive.

I don't know what's going on with me, but lately I've been feeling so excited. I know that we were placed on this earth for temporary, but I just gotta say I love life. I enjoy every bit of it, even the obstacles and hardships. I always try to stay positive. I'm the type of person who never gives up. When I do something, I do it whole heartedly (sp?) and I work hard for it. Even though I fail, I know that I tried my best for it and that's honestly what matters the most to me. I'm so excited what God has in store for me in the future. I see good things happening, and I know better things will happen in the near future. I think one of the most important things an individual should have is excitement.
If you're excited about life, and have a positive outlook in life, good things will happen. I know that sounds really hard to believe, but I mean everything requires patience and hard work. If you strive to do your best, everything and anything is possible. I'm saying this because I've experienced it, and gone through it. I know it isn't easy to think positive when you're going through hardships, because believe me...it was hard for me, but whenever I'm faced with difficulties, I always flip that problem into something good. I do believe that things happen for a reason, and everything has a reason behind it. (wow what a run on sentence!)

Be positive, and be excited in life! Have faith and expect good things to happen because as long as you believe, you're closer to achieving your wildest dreams :)

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2010-05-17T21:47:00.001-07:00

I wish I can express how I truly feel in words. I have all these feelings and emotions inside of me, but I can't put them into words. I don't know how long I've been in this bubble. I wish it was easy for me to handle this situation, but it really isn't. :-/ i honestly don't know how long I can take this anymore. I wish I can follow my heart. I mean, what am I supposed to follow? My heart or mind? The heart is impulsive, but the mind is logic. Heart is what I want to follow, but the mind is like a slap in the face. I think what I fear most is failure. I feel like I should just go for it, take the risk and discover myself, but we all know it isn't easy to do. Well, at least for me :-/ what if I made the wrong decision? That's what I fear most. i dont think anybody in this world gets me or would ever understand this situation I'm in. I know for sure my parents won't. I want to make my own decisions, but I know for one that whatever decision I choose to make, it'll affect my whole family, and everything else that seem to be the reason why I'm still in this bubble.

What am I gonna do?

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Twitter

2010-05-13T01:29:00.001-07:00

If you guys have twitter, follow me!

www.twitter.com/beautiifulstrug

I used to have it on private, but becuase I have to also use it for my internship, I had to leave it on public.

I'm laying in bed right now..thanks to my blogger app on my phone I can blog while laying in bed (: there's nothing much that happened today, except something interesting happened today, but that's all I'm gonna say about it.

Goodnight sweet dreams bloggers

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2010-05-12T00:56:00.001-07:00

I can't believe this semester is finally coming to an end. Despite how much I want this semester to end, I have to admit that this semester was by far the challengest semester yet. I know I say that every semester, but this year I felt like I really got to use my skills and knowledge. I felt like this semester really challenged myself to be prepared for the working world.

I just finished my last presentation of the semester. Our group was chosen and honored to present to Target executives and the Business Dean and it's department. The whole concept of this project deals with the idea of the cosmetic section in Target. Our goal was to basically change the entire cosmetic section and come up with something that is more appealing to the consumers, and in the same time increase sales and foot traffic. (if you haven't noticed, their current layout isn't very appealing). Basically if we win, we get a $1,000 scholarship. Unfortunately, we didn't win :( but I felt like either way, I'm happy with our presentation. I couldn't have done it a different way. It was such a great experience overall to even present to these people. I mean out of all the other groups, our Professor chose us to present, so that already was such a blessing and honor. (:

I have 2 semesters left until I graduate. I know that seems like forever, but I feel like it'll go by fairly quick. As much as I want to graduate asap and get out of school, I want to savor each and every moment I have this last year in school, learn as much as I can, and get as much experience I can possibly get. I value education so much. I mean I'm not perfect or a genius in any way. I dont get straight A's. In fact, as a student I've never gotten straight A's before, but I feel like as long as you tried your best and gave it your all, that's what matter most in the end, even if you fail. I mean nobody wants to fail or to lose in any situation, but I think every failure is definitely a learning experience. You take what you didn't do or could have done better as guide for you in the future.

"You live, and you learn" Alannis Morsette

2010-04-05T14:56:00.000-07:00

Hey guys,

It's been a while since I blogged. I know I always say that. Maybe because I remember how often I used to blog before. :) Nothing much is new with me. Lately, I've just been trying to focus in school. Yes, "try" and enjoy life at the same time of course. It's hard to manage work, school, and fun. I try to keep those 3balance, although deep down I want fun more than either school or work.

Spring break was not so fun like I planned it to be. Whenever I plan things, it never works out. This is the ultimate reason why I never plan. I just let it flow, and see where the day takes me. :) Dont get me wrong. I plan for important things. It's not like I dont plan at all! The weather wasnt so nice either so there was nothing much I can do. I initially planned to spend my spring break in the beach or anything that has to do with outdoors, but weve been getting nothing but rain and wind. Totally failed!

I cant believe I have 7-8 weeks left of school. More so, I'm surprised it's already the month of April. This year is going by too quickly. I just want to stop the time and savor each moment of the day and make it last long. Of course there are certain days where I just want to get the day over with, but other than that, I'm enjoying life right now, and living my life to the fullest. I have great friends and a loving family. What more can one ask? haha, okay. I just thought about it over, and yes, maybe there are certain things that I wish I had, but I dont want to complain about something that could have been or could have, because I do believe that things happen for a reason, and things happen because its supposed to happen the way they are. (WOW, what a run on sentence!)

'Til then bloggers!

Symphony- Marie Digby

2010-03-29T00:12:00.000-07:00

Here I go again in my dreamy eyes
I should be content but something's just not satisfied, oh
It's nothing that you did, I'm still on your side
I can't love you if I'm not sure who I am inside

'Cause there are some questions that need some answers
What is it I'm really after?
The clock's ticking so I can't wait around

This is my now, this is my today
No more sitting on the side waiting for my chance to play
Time to step out, so much to say
But I'll never get the chance if I don't break away
And write my own symphony, write my own symphony
Just let me write my own symphony

I've always got my head way up in the clouds
Something in me wants to fly away and leave the ground, oh
If you could hear my thoughts when no one's around
Then you'd understand my fear of being held down

'Cause I wanna explore the world around me
Dance under the stars above me
And be free to make my own mistakes

'Cause every minute you're here with me
It gets harder to turn and walk away..
But I gotta chase my destiny
No matter how hard or long it takes
-------
This song exactly explains how i've been feeling this past week.

break-and-blog

2010-03-24T16:28:00.000-07:00

Thank God spring break is just right around the corner! I just finished my last exam, and let me tell you it was the second worse testing experience in my life (I had my 1st worse testing experience last semester ago :) Anyways, this test that I just did was multiple choice plus 2 long answer essay question. Out of 30 questions from the multiple choice, 10 of them was based on calculations that I studied almost all night long, and for some reason reason, I couldn't solve those 10 problems today. I was completely blank. I know the problem, but I just didnt know how to get the numbers. OMG. seriously. The worse experience ever. 10 minutes before I had to turn in my test, somewhere in this brain of mines FINALLY figured out how to solve the problem. Unfortunately, I had to guess the last 2 questions since I didn't have anymore time to finish them. :-/ I was happy enough just being able to answer most of the problems, without walking out of the test room feeling like a complete failure.

On the brightside, I'm about to go to this Michael Kors event in Standford Mall for my internship. Although I'm pretty excited about it, I'm feeling super tired at this point. I didnt get much sleep last night, and I'm sitting here in the computer lab with half of my eyes open. I'm hoping the event will go by smoothly and will end my night with a happy note, because all I can think of right now is my bed and blanket. I feel like staying home and be a potatoe couch ;) JUST FOR ONE DAY :)

Alrighty guys, I'm off to Palo Alto. Wish me luck! have a blessed rest of the day and always stay positive!

love,
Jessica

2010-03-09T01:06:00.001-08:00

I'm not sure how many blogs I've made over the past couple of years, but I think I've made at least 5 blogs total, and for some reason, I've always managed to update this blog the most. I deleted two of my other blogs because it was useless to have it. Yeah, it's empty! So now, I only have this blog, and I just recently made a new blog. I promise you I will update the new one more often. I wanted to have a blog about my personal thoughts, more like a diary. I think I did pretty good with this blog, but I also wanted a blog where I can write about my passion: fashion, food and fun! So here it is guys:

Jessicatirta.blogspot.com

Add me! Read me! Comment me! (:

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

2010-03-07T00:03:00.001-08:00

Have you ever had people talk behind your backs? If you know someone who does, you should know how it feels like. I don't understand why people talk smack behind you and act all nice and friendly in the front. Oh wait. I should be happy. It's so great to know that I'm on their mind and they have the time to even talk about me. You know, I really dont know this person. She doesn't even know me, but I know for one that people who talks bad about you to other people either means 1.) she's not satisfied with her life, 2.) she's insecure, and 3.) she's simply jealous of you. It's funny how we barely even talk, and hearing from my friend that she is talking bad about me is like WOW, really? You notice these little things about me and then turn it into something negative and then talk crap about me? I must be really special.

Please look in the mirror before you talk about other people miss. Evaluate yourself before you evaluate other people--not just me, I'm talking about the other people you've been talking about. Thanks.

2010-02-13T02:13:00.000-08:00

I had a dream about you last night. I don't know why I dreamt of you, because there was not a single moment that I was thinking about you the night before. I've completely forgotten. All the sudden I dream of you. Sometimes dreams mean nothing--or at least most doesn't. I know for one that my dream last night meant nothing, but just the thought of having him in my dreams brings back memories. This is sort of the hard part you know. I don't know what else to say..

2010-02-11T23:51:00.000-08:00

"You may lose something in life, but in the end it gets better to realize that you've gain something much worthy of"

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Insomnia

2010-02-11T02:34:00.001-08:00

April 24th 2009.....

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2a.m

2010-02-11T02:15:00.001-08:00

How do one know
they're making the right decision? It felt like it was the right thing for me to do and at the right time...but now why am I second guessing myself?

Please tell me I did the right thing.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Just an update. (:

2010-02-04T01:01:00.001-08:00

It's been a while since I blogged. I'm trying to manage my time so I can blog regularly, but with school and assignments in the way, it won't be so often :(

So far, school is doing alright. Not much going on, just a whole bunch of reading and online assignments. Let me tell you I haven't been reading. This is so not me, and I'm not proud of my behavior! I don't think lazy is the word, but I guess I just haven't got my 100% full motivation back. I think I'm still in vacation mode. Whatever it is i need to get my act togeather! On the other hand, I feel like I'm constantly on iLearn's website 24/7. It's ridiculous and disgusting. life is great! Positive! (:

It's really weird how this semester started. I never knew it would end this way, but turns out that things are not meant to last forever.

Goodnight everyone! (:

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

2010-01-28T23:34:00.001-08:00

I really miss my family back in Indonesia. I miss my grandma. I miss my grandpa. I miss my aunt and uncles. I miss my maid. But most if all, I miss thus little girl

When I was in Jakarta, she didn't want to eat, shower, studie with her mom or with the maid. The only person she wanted to be with was me. I've learned to be patient with little kids--trust me, it's not easy. Going back home reminds me how important family really is. You can lose your spouse, bf, or job..but you can never lose your family. When I was in Jakarta for 3 weeks, I got to spend with most of my family members from both my mom's and dad's side. When I came back to the US, I felt a sense of loss. It's like I've got nobody here beside my mom and dad and my grandma. I miss being around my bigger part of the family. It really sucks that they are so far away from me. don't laugh at me, but there were nights where I had tears running down my cheeks because I miss them so much. But knowing that their happy makes me happy and that's all it matters.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

"don't bite more than you can chew"

2010-01-27T00:14:00.000-08:00

Spring semester just started yesterday, and I'm already feeling the pressuring kicking in. I thought last semester was hard, but after the first day of class and reading the syllabus, I can say this semester is a whole lot harder. Ugh, did I mention 4 of my classes requires forming groups for this group project and presentation? I don't mind presenting or doing the project-- that's not what I'm complaining about. It's the group part. I don't hate it, but knowing the fact that I'll have to meet with 4 different groups for 4 different classes throughout the semester is kinda painful. I'm kinda the type of person who likes to do things on my own, and not rely on people cause you know you can never trust anybody. Doesn't mean I don't get along with people, it's just that I prefer working alone when it comes to education. I know some people who feels the same way. :) anyways, I shouldn't even be complaining. I got all the classes I need without the need go beg and plead. haha. (sorry for my many grammatical errors in this blog)

Gonna head to bed! Goodnight guys (:

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

2010-01-24T23:17:00.000-08:00

It's been a while since I blogged. I got back from Indonesia last week, and I gotta admit, I miss my family so much. I wish I stayed there longer. It's so hard to leave the ones you love the most, especially knowing the fact that you barely see them. Thanks to facebook and international texting, I'm able to communicate with them. Lol :)

School is starting tomorrow. Whooopah. I'm so not excited. In a way I'm ready to get back on track and start being productive again, but a part of me knows how crazy this semester is gonna be, that's probably the reason why I don't wanna start school! Omg, books are super duper expensive. It's unbelievable. Another reason why I hate school!

Alright, gonna get my beauty sleep. Gotta look fab on the first day right? Haha :) kidding.

Night guys

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

2009-12-17T02:34:00.000-08:00

If there is one thing I'm not good at, it would be hiding my feelings. I don't think I'm capable of hiding my feelings or put a smile on my face when really I'm not feeling happy. It's easy for someone to say that when they got a problem, its easy for them to hide that emotions and simply put a smile on their faces, acting as though nothing is going on. I can't do that. I've been trying to focus with my finals tomorrow, but I can't even focus a bit. All my friends are telling me how a fool I am for being in the situation that I'm in and for letting it eat up my emotions, but I feel like I rather feel this way then denying it to myself and act as if everything is alright when deep down I'm suffering. I rather feel miserable now then denying it to myself and feel miserable later. Feel me? haha...Oh gosh, why am I even blogging? It's 3am right now, and I should be in bed cause I need to wake up at 6am today, but I felt like blogging (:

What am I supposed to do? I hate hate hate this sucky feeling. I hate it that much that I gotta put that hate 3 times. A part of me wants to believe and listen to whatever my friends are telling me, but a part of me wants to just shut everybody down and listen to myself. I'm torn in between and I hate this situation I'm in. So much hate right? Gosh, I feel like a crazy women right now. No idea.

Ugh, I really hate this. (guess how many times I've said that today?)

2009-12-16T00:44:00.001-08:00

“Life is uncharted territory. It reveals its story one moment at a time.” Leo Buscaglia

not my kind of day...

2009-12-15T20:53:00.000-08:00

Today is such a crappy day. I basically studied for my finals the whole day and finished up my paper. I'm still studying right now, but bleh, I need a break! I'm not getting anything right now. It's so frustrating. I've been trying to read this book for I don't know how many hours? And I'm still not getting it, and OH my exam is on thursday!

Today is really not my kind of day. I wish I can just sleep this off and wake up to rainbows and sunshines. haha, yeah, you get what I mean.

2009-12-14T02:17:00.000-08:00

"There's something about you
the way you move, the way you look at me
There's something about the way you see things
its like a change of scenery
Everything about you, I just want more of..."

2009-12-14T00:53:00.000-08:00

I should be studying for my finals right now, but I need a break. I've been studying at the library the whole day. Finals are too overwhelming, and I think I said that many times already. I can't wait for this thursday, when all of this will be over :)

It still haven't hit me yet that I'm going back to Indonesia. I'm super excited to see my family, go shopping, eat all the good foods. But above all, I'm mostly excited to see my grandpa. I miss him so much, words can't even express. My grandpa and I go way back when I was still a little girl. My parents left me a couple years after I was born to work in US, and my sister and I was left in Indonesia with my grandparents. My sister and I lived in different homes for some period of time. My mom's parents took care of my sister, and my dad's parents took care of me. My grandma and I never had a great relationship. It felt like her life was all about her and never about me. My grandpa was the one who took care of me since I was little and he was always the "hero", the one who was always stood by my side. May it be I peed in bed, threw up in the car, or cried at night cause I missed my mom, he was there for me. He never scolded me or punished me. I remember every night I would wait for him to get home from work, and he would show me how much money he made that night. I would be so happy to see him. I also remembered how much I loved bunnies when I was little girl, and so one day, he surprised me with 3 little white bunnies. It was seriously the happiest day of my life :) The next day, I found out that my bunnies died, but my grandpa wasn't even mad that I didn't took good care of it. I moved here when I was 3 years old to finally here in the US with my parents. My grandpa and grandma came here to live with us for a good amount of years. Because my grandpa had business over in Indonesia, he couldn't stay long and had to go back to Indonesia. I guess years after LDR between my grandpa and my grandma, their marriage went south, and never did I expect my grandpa to find another women in his life. A part of me hated him, but another part of me understood what he did and why he did it. If I could go on and explain the little details I would, but after all, good or bad, my family will always be my family and I can never talk down about my family like that. My grandma and my grandpa finally separated, and now he lives with his family in Indonesia. It really sucks because I barely get to see him, and if I do, it's always every 4-5 years. Although he cheated on my grandma, and chose another family over ours, I still love him to death. Every year, he would never miss my birthday. If I had all the money in this world, I will give it all to him. That's how much I love my grandpa. Writing this makes me have tears in my eyes :( If there is one important thing I learn in life, that is to never take anybody for granted. Even though I never took my grandpa for granted, I never realized how much I love him until his gone from my life. It's not like everyday that I could see or talk to him, and that really breaks my heart because he was a big part of my life since I was little.

I miss you grandpa & see you in 2 weeks.

<3>

2009-12-11T14:19:00.000-08:00

It's always good to be busy and productive, but lately it's been a
little too much for me. With all the finals, I've been getting less or
no sleep. I've been feeling way too exhausted! Although I can't hardly
wait for this semester to end, I have to admit this is by far the
best semester I've had in State. I predicted in the beginning of the
semester that this would be a great semester for me, turns out I was
right. I guess I was able to really focus and concentrate a lot this semester.
No guys=no drama=happy me :) I'm not ready to say goodbye to this
semester, or this year may I say. Next year is going to be another
tough year, pretty unpredictable, but I can already sense it. I kinda
like not knowing, but 2009 has treated me so well I just can't say goodbye to it yet.

Off to work! :)

2009-12-05T02:31:00.000-08:00

I find it sort of crazy how I have an account for almost all the "blogging" networks imaginable. First Xanga, Blogger, Wordpress, and now I have Tumblr. I deleted my Xanga long ago when I fell in love with Blogger. Peep me at beautiifulstruggle.tumblr.com. I love how I can tumblr through my iPhone. For every thought or whatever is going through my mind, I can just tumblr it.

goodnight sweet dreams <3

2009-12-05T02:23:00.000-08:00

Take me to this place.

2009-12-05T02:17:00.000-08:00

It`s 2.30 am and I`m still awake. I think I have a sleeping disorder. Insomnia, maybe? 1 sheep...2 sheep...

2009-12-01T21:01:00.000-08:00

Sometimes life is full of surprises. You never know what to expect. I certainly never saw this coming, and to me, everything just seems to be happening so fast. I've never really got a chance to stop and think where this is leading me, and honestly I'm kind of having doubts in this whole situtation. I think my weakness has always been bringing up past experiences and kind of questioning "what if" this or that happens to me with the situation I'm going through right now. I think I've been pretty good in letting go of my past, but I think the experience and situation was so taunting that I'm kind of afraid that it might happen again. I really dont want to put myself in that position anymore. Sometimes I feel like being in a relationship can be so special, but in the same time, I'm just tired of all the lies, and it just makes me want to say that I'm fine without one right now. I think I've always stayed in my comfort zone, and maybe I'm not brave enough to take the risk. I dont know, but something about this situation, I dont really care where this is taking me, and I dont really want to know. I think I've been hurt too much in the past that I've become this strong. I don't think I've become cold towards this situation, but I've definitely become more aware.

thats all... :)

Something to remember...

2009-11-24T11:40:00.000-08:00

Although I have so much things going on right now, in the end of the day, I can say that God is good, and He will continue to be good to us. Sometimes life can be so brutal, and yes, at times it’s hard to understand why these things are happening, but there’s a reason behind why they are unsearchable. Whenever I’m faced with obstacles and challenges (especially with school), I am reminded that there are other people out there that has it more bad than us, and their problems is nothing compared to mines. Although I dont think I can ever reduce my procrastination or complaining (believe me…I’m trying), I’ve learned appreciate what I have and embrace the place I’m in.

have a great day guys!

2009-11-22T21:13:00.000-08:00

Hey guys,

Hope everyone had a great weekend. My weekend was alright. It went by really quick, and I'm not ready to say goodbye to weekend. I spend most of my Saturday studying at home, and later that night I went to hang out in the City and had dinner with my friend. On Sunday, I went to church, and studied with my classmate in the library almost the whole afternoon. Bleh. I really can't wait for Thanksgiving break to end. I have so much things to finish and so little time. I am such a procrastinator. Is that even a word?

On a lighternote, I'm going to Indonesia on December. I didn't really expect to go back, cause I actually wanted to spend my Holidays here, but my mom offered me to go, and said that my family and relatives all miss me and my sister, so I guess I'll be spending my winter vacation there. I'm actually really excited to go back. I havent been back for almost 3 years, and I really miss my family there. I miss my grandpa the most though. He was the one who took care of me since I was still a baby, and I barely ever get to see him. I love and miss you grandpa. see you soon :)

2009-11-18T23:13:00.000-08:00

chocolate souffle or pudding?

I don't know what I want. Stuck in the middle...

2009-11-18T01:16:00.001-08:00

If there is one thing I learned today, it will be the willingness to take risks. I've always been scared and uncomfortable taking risks. Even though deep down I want to take chances, I've always been hesitant. I learned that life isn't perfect. Even if I take the risk, and it may or may not work in the end, at least I know I've gave it a try, and from there, I can learn from my mistakes. I feel like taking this risk allows me to trust people more, and I feel like for once, I'm stepping outside my comfort zone. And to be honest, I don't even care what the outcome is. kapeesh?

2009-11-17T01:16:00.000-08:00

I just realized my recent blogs sounds so depressing, and all I talk about is school. So here goes a happy blog (:

This semester is flying by SO fast. I cant believe in less than a month Fall semester is going to end. I'm enjoying this semester more than I expected, and I'm honestly gonna miss it. I've met new friends, and great people along the way. I'm super excited for the Holidays, and even though most of my friends are leaving to Indonesia for Christmas, I'm just excited to relax and do the things I want to do that I cant do this semester. I don't know if NYC is still on my list. I'm trying to get my family to go, but they cant take a vacation, and well my friends are all leaving to Indo, and some are spending the Holidays here. It would suck to go alone. I mean, I can always go myself, but I dont know anybody there? Who wants to come with me? (:

I need to remind myself to not make the same mistake again....

2009-11-15T23:00:00.000-08:00

Something is telling me to take the risk, but another part of me is hesitating. What do I do?

Well see...

2009-11-15T19:06:00.000-08:00

stressed. I've never been this stress ever in my life. So much pressure and emotions running through my veins. I cant take it anymore, I feel so weak and as much as I defend myself, it gets me nowhere. I'm so tired of it. im sick of it.

2009-10-27T21:04:00.000-07:00

When are exams ever gonna end? I feel like I've been stacked with exams every week now since last month. I've been going through the same routine for the past 2 months and its burning me out. Classes in the morning till the afternoon, go home, study, eat, shower, study till late, sleep, wake up, and the day starts all over again with the same routine. I know I shouldn't be complaining, but this is burning me out to the max. Ok, I have to stop complaining!

I just finished with my DS exam today, and what do you knowwww? I got another exam next week, in which i have to prepare starting today, BUT, I'm not even studying right now. Why? because I feel like I need a break. bleh. "Successful people dont take breaks, they keep on going." OH WELL.

The weather in SF has been so inconsistent lately. Once day its super hot, the next it's raining, and the next its super hot again. Today was so windy. I hate those days when there is sunshine, but its sooo cold. It almost feels like youre in Alaska. Icy cold!

2009-10-13T23:53:00.001-07:00

“Disturb us, Lord, when we are too well pleased with ourselves,
when our dreams have come true because we have dreamed too little,
when we arrive safely because we sailed too close to the shore.

Disturb us, Lord, when with the abundance of things we possess,
we have lost our thirst for the waters of life, having fallen in love with life,
we have ceased to dream of eternity, and in our efforts to build a new earth,
we have allowed our vision of the new heaven to dim.

Disturb us, Lord, to dare more boldly, to venture on wider seas, where storms will show your mastery, where losing sight of land, we shall find the stars. We ask you to push back the horizon of our hopes, and to push us into the future in strength, courage, hope, and love.
This we ask in the name of our Captain, who is Jesus Christ. “
— Francis Drake

wonderful life...

2009-09-30T00:57:00.000-07:00

It's been one crazy week! These two weeks has been completely crazy. I've been getting no sleep at all. Exam week sucks. Ruining my life! Yesterday, I slept at 5.30am, woke up for class at 7am this morning, had class from 9am-12pm, had a "break" for 2 hours, but not really considered a break since I was studying for my exam. Took the exam at 2pm, went home, ate, did my two bio report lab, studied for Bio quiz, and now here I am blogging. WHAT A LIFE! I must admit, I like being productive. I hate not being productive, and ok so why am I complaining right? I'm just honestly tired and drained. I feel cranky these past two weeks. I just need sleep, but I feel like if I sleep, I might not wake up or I might lose focus, so I don't sleep. bleh! Today was my last day of exam 1. I can finally rest at least for another 2 weeks before my 2nd exam starts again. I feel really challanged this semester, not only because Im taking 6 classes, but because I feel like for once I'm taking classes that I love, but in the same time its pretty challenging. I dont know if that made any sense, but I think this semester is going to be a great one!

Aside of school, everything has been great. Okay, maybe not so great. Ever since this whole exam started two weeks ago, and the whole lack of sleep situation, everything I do effects the way my mood. I dont feel like doing much. I just want to go home and rest after a long day, and yeah sounds pretty boring, but I dont have any more energy or strength to go out anymore. My friends all think I'm crazy for studying too much. ok enough of the school talk, seriously.

its 1 am right now, and I dont know why im still awake when i should be getting my sleep. Okay, I should probably be sleeping soon. Until then....

Goodnight sweet dreams
<3 Jess

One crazy week

2009-09-25T00:20:00.000-07:00

This week was beyond crazy and tiring :( I had 4 exams, and one more next week. I feel like I haven't even have time for myself. Been waking up super early, sleeping super late and the routine like so continues like that for the whole week. My sleeping hours is so messed up and I feel like I've been consuming myself with so much caffeine and energy drinks just to keep myself awake. On the lighternote, studying does pay off though. I totally feel that studying boosts up my confidence, and my worry level decrease by 50%. haha :) Meaning, I still worry and get nervous before exams, but at least its down by 50%. You know that feeling when you're buzzed? You kinda feel dizzy and light headed right? Thats the way I felt today. I guess its because I didnt get much sleep, so I felt so light headed, almost like the feeling as if you were buzzed. The unfortunates of getting lack of sleep is seriously not fun. I respond to people late and I feel clueless and blank! I had lunch with my friend today, and he asked me why I was so quiet and looked so blank. I simply said, LACK OF SLEEP! Another unfortunate is I get so cranky and moody. Seriously. I felt like everyone was so annoying today. I just felt like slapping each and everyone. haha. sorry. just the honest truth. ^^

To top it off, work was even worser. I spilled 5 bowls of ponzu sauce all over the floor, and knocked down couple glasses of water on the floor as well. Its super embarrassing. Sigh. Today is just not my kind of day. :( I hope tomorrow will be better. I'm just excited for the weekend. Though I have another exam to study for, at least I have a day or two to enjoy before I head back to my torture zone. :)

Ok it's almost 1am and I should be sleeping, but why arent i? I dont know. I'm a stubborn girl, remember? Ok, I should probably go to bed and catch on my sleeping hours.

goodnight guys,
Jess

2009-09-17T22:56:00.000-07:00

I thought I would do a short blog before I study. (: I just got off work an hour ago. I feel tired and exhausted, but I have to start studying for my exams next week. This is when I seriously question myself why in the world did I choose to take 6 classes this semester! bleh. \

This week has been so crappy for me. No idea why. I just feel crappy. So many things to do, and so little time. I feel like I lose focus easily over small things, and that's not good. I really need to focus, but I feel like there is so many distractions heading my way. I have family visiting from Indonesia, so I have no choice but to accompany them. My other relatives are also here for a month, so yeah I have to accompany them too. It's just frustrating. I feel bad for not accompanying them, but in the same time, I have so many responsibilities and other things that I need to get done. How in the world am I supposed to prioritize? My family is important, but so is my school work. Sigh...

Sometimes I feel like life is so unfair. I know this might sound selfish, but I don't like not getting what I want. Let me rephrase that. I like getting things my way, and if I don't get them my way, it just sucks. Yeah, I know that sound selfish of me to say, but what can I right? Humans are never satisfied with anything and everything. True, right? I think this is why I've been feeling crappy lately. Aside of my family being here and being busy with the University, I feel like I have drown into a pit of a black empty hole. I think I'm beginning to realize that whatever I did was not worth it, and it sure is not worth my time. I have to admit. I made a huge mistake, and I somewhat regret it. I should have never questioned myself and followed my heart. Now, it's just hard on me. But things happen for a reason, right? Now, I just have to deal with it. SIGH. Bad timing, seriously. I cant lose focus now. Its a sucky feeling. I hate having to deal with the leftover crap. I wish I can blog happy blogs, but right now its just so sucky. :(

Okay this is getting way too long. I need to study! ^^

blessed day,
Jess

---

Lately everywhere I go, I see a resemblance of you...

2009-09-09T16:32:00.000-07:00

I don't know what to do. I'm stuck in between, and though I know what the right thing is for me to do, I don't want to do it. I can honestly say that I'm scared to lose what I have, but I also don't want to lose the friendship that I've already built. So what do I do? Someone has to get hurt in the end. I have to do it.

Almost Perfect. . .

2009-09-08T14:42:00.000-07:00

One more day of long weekend, and back to school )= I really enjoyed my Labor Day weekend. It was nice for a change to do something with my friends that I never really got the chance to do on a usual weekend. We went to Santa Cruz on Saturday. Went to a spa called Tea Tree Spa and hit the beaches. Love it! The rest of the night got really blurry, cause I was completely buzzed after drinking a couple of drinks.

The whole weekend just seemed almost perfect. I enjoyed every moment of it. Its like I'm in this dream and I just dont want to wake up from it. I feel like I am living a fairytale right now. :( I hate saying goodbye. I am so helpless right now...

2009-09-02T22:58:00.000-07:00

My life is so confusing right now. Nobody has an idea how confusing it is! OK, this is a very useless blog, so PLEASE don't read it, unless you have no life but to read my rants! I am in the middle of confused and sure. Does that even make any sense? I don't understand myself! Most of my friends say that I'm a positive person, but this....THIS I just don't think I can be positive about. I am too confused to fit positive in this situation. Man, I don't know what to do! I really don't know what I should do. I don't even know what is the right thing to do. OMG. I am going crazy! Someone needs to calm me down! I AM A CRAZY WOMEN!

2009-09-01T20:18:00.000-07:00

I'm so excited for this weekend! I have a 5 day weekend. No school friday, labor day on monday, and next week is furlough day, so it means I have a 5 day weekend! I'm starting to like the idea of furlough days! Sucks for the teachers, but we benefit them with days off from school! The only unfortunate thing is that some professors are lame and are not willing to teach certain material that is supposed to be covered on the furlough day, that means we have to learn it ourselves. blah!

I wasnt feeling so well today. Maybe its the lack of sleep I've been getting. Last night, I couldnt sleep until 3-4am ish cause of that caramel macchiato I drank from campus. Yeah yeah, I told you I'm stubborn! I'm bad with caffiene, but I still drink it anyways! I was having runny nose, my throat was itchy, and my eyes felt so heavy. I feel a bit better now because I took a little nap this afternoon. Hopefully I feel better for the weekend! :)

Ok, I dont know why I am blogging when I should be reading! Ok, signing off!

Jess

2009-08-31T14:08:00.000-07:00

Hi everybody,

I'm back to another week of school. I'm actually starting to love this semester more than I thought I would, despite of the hectic and crazy schedule. I think this semester will be by far my best semester. I have a feeling :) My goal for this semester is to aim for A's. It seem so impossible just 'cause I'm taking 6 hard core classes, and considering that I have a not so good time management, but I'm working my butt off just to raise my GPA. Yeah, my GPA isn't looking so good right now, and I have to raise it for internships. AHHH, stressing me out! This is seriously making me go crazy. Sometimes I feel like I dont know how to do everything all at once, and I dont even know if I can aim for 6 A'S, but I really need to raise my GPA. That's probably my biggest concern and goal. PLEASE HELP ME GOD!!! you can do it jess you can do itt...!

I dont have class until 7pm tonight. Sucks, but I dont really mind cause I can actually catch up on my readings the whole day. I really hate night classes, but I rather by night classes rather than morning classes. I just hope this class will be entertaining. On the bright side, I dont have classes on fridays, which means I have a 3 day weekend this semester :) This week, I have a 4 day weekend! Yay to labor day!

Ollright guys, dont even know why I am blogging when I should be reading. Cheers to everyone! :)

blessed day,
Jess

Time heals everything...

2009-08-26T18:05:00.000-07:00

Isn't funny how time can heal just about anything? I was reading through my previous blogs like I always do, and it's been a while since I've mention about it. Time does heal everything. In my case, unfortunately, it took me couple of years to realize and wake up to the truth. I felt so stupid. Sometimes when I think about it, I just laugh it out. I mean, everyone isnt perfect right. I felt so guilty having that emotions and feelings that I know I should'nt be having. But what was I supposed to do? I cant help myself. I feel things for a reason. I think of things for a reason. I dont even know what is the reason, but anyway, time heals everything. I'm happy now, even though it took this longggg to get over it, I think this time I'm starting to realize the truth. I dont feel like a fool. I feel stupid at times for thinking about it, but I dont feel like a fool. I think its normal for humans to think of certain things especially their past and just cant get over it. OH well right? Life is life. Sometimes though, I wish that things couldve been different. I wish that we could still be friends, but I guess some things are just not meant to be permanent in your lives. Some things stays, some things are meant to go. <3

Anyway, fall semester started this week. I am already feeling the pressure. I dont even know what to study for first. It is really frustrating, but I'm trying to be positive about it and go day by day. ahhh. God please give me the strength!!!!

2009-08-24T13:04:00.000-07:00

Hey guys,

It's been a while since I blogged. I got back from San Diego last week. That was my last big vacation before fall semester starts. I start class again tomorrow. I'm somewhat excited, somewhat not. I hate having to purchase bundles of textbooks that costs so much. And in the end, I cant sell them because they usually come up with new editions for the next semester. Well, that's the way they make money right? This semester is going to be a tough one. It's been a while since I took 6 classes. All my friends think I'm crazy for taking so much classes, considering that they are pretty hard core, but I believe I can do it. I mean, I took 7 classes before! I know quality is better than quantity, but I know with God, all things are possible.

I am excited that summer is coming to an end, and winter is coming! Bring on the boots and scarfs! :) Lately, I've been playing the piano again. Well, I've been trying to get back to playing the piano. It's been a while since I play the piano or even touch it. I used to take piano lessons back then, but its just been so long since I played the piano. I'm still working on it, and brushing my skills. So, maybe I'll play a song for you guys :)

Alright, well I dont know what else to say. I'll try to blog more often, but since fall semester is starting, I cant promise anything. But whoever reads my blog should know me. I either blog my feelings out or blog randomly. :)

Have a blessed day everyone! Jesus Bless you!

Jess <3

2009-08-11T18:56:00.001-07:00

Hey guys,

I can`t believe summer is coming to an end. I'm actually not sad that summer is ending. This summer went by so slow, and to be honest, I'm excited for school to start. I need something to look forward to. I need to be productive! I miss procrastinating, and staying up late doing papers or studying for exams. I know, believe it or not I am. But I know for sure after a couple weeks of school, I'll be wishing it's the holiday already. :)

These couple of weeks, I feel like I've been dreaming. I feel like I've been living in my own little world. I don't know how to explain it. I miss the feeling. I miss that excitement. I don't know for some reason, I've been so happy lately. I've been waking up in the morning with the biggest smile on my face for no reason at all. I don't know, I feel like words cant even describe how cheerful and joyful I am. There would be times where I just smile and the feeling of happiness is just so powerful that I smile for no reason. haha. I dont know if that made any sense or not. I feel like I'm repeating myself, but you know sometimes happiness can not be bought with money or material. Finding true happiness is surely from within. That sounds really vague, but its so true. As of right now, I feel like my life is so complicated. I dont think anyone will ever understand how complicated it is. Reading my blogs doesnt get you to understand how complicated it is. Sometimes I am that type of person that doesnt like to tell anyone how I feel. I keep it in my heart and in my mind. I learned that its not a good thing to hide things. I shared to a couple of my friends, and honestly, I am so happy to have friends who are willing to listen and willing to help me, even if it is just giving me a simple advice. I know have such great friends, and I am so grateful for it.

I havent decide anything yet. I havent break the egg shell. I dont know if I ever will. I just feel so unright doing it. I guess I just have to hinder myself away from it? I dont know. I really dont know what to do. If you guys are reading this, you might not understand or get anything I'm writing, and thats okay. You can stop reading, cause I'll be talking nonsense from now. ^^ It just feels so right, but in the same time its wrong. I'm really confused and frustrated. I dont know what is the right thing to do, I really dont. Only if life is simple as 1 2 3 right? I think one day, I will break that shell, but for now, I have to keep it to myself. :(

Life.

2009-08-07T00:28:00.000-07:00

Life seems so great right now...at least for me. I don't know how long this feeling would last, but I lately, I've been feeling so happy. I wake up in the morning with the best mood ever with no reason. :) I'm not sure of what I did was wrong, but my intentions are nothing more. In a way, I should have left it the way it was, because deep down I know it is not right. But on the other hand, I knew if I did not take the chance, I would wonder and regret it in the end. Right now, I just don't know what is right and what is wrong. If anything, I'm just so happy.

In life, there is a time for everything, right? A time to slack off, a time when you just don't care about your education or work, a time where everything just seems to go downhill, a time to cry and a time to mend. But there comes a time in life in everyone where a light bulb just suddenly pops into your brain, and you suddenly realize that life is not worth living unless you do something great with it. Guess what? That shiny light bulb that's been lost for years has finally struck my brain like a lightening bolt. These couple years I've been in University has been great, but there was nothing in particular that excites me or motivates me. Sometimes, I try to motivate myself and find my own excitement in life, but just hearing the downfall of the economy, unemployment rates, and how hard it is to find jobs truly brought my excitement to the lowest level of levels. I've always had a dream of making it big one day, and working for some big company in the future, but that feeling just suddenly disappeared a couple years back. It's like I finally saw a light, and I'm trying to aim and reach for that light, but somewhere along the line, I felt like it is just too impossible to reach to that light, because there were many things in my way. I'm not blaming anybody...if anything, I blame myself. All these years, I have done what pleases other people. Everything I do is to please my parents. I was so scared to walk out of my comfort zone, and stand up for myself. I did what they wanted me to do, because deep down I felt like that was the right thing. Even though I had these many goals and visions I want to pursue and see myself becoming in the future, I felt like everything leads to a dead end. The idea of having to make two choices later in the future frightens me. Honestly, all my goals that I want to achieve, I was not excited about it. I did not work hard for it. I just didn't care. I just wanted to go with the flow and see where I will end up after I graduate. But, after that light bulb strike in my head, I've realized that life is truly worth nothing unless you do something that makes you happy. What I mean by 'what makes you happy' is not just from your surroundings, but what you're passionate about; making your dreams become into reality.

It was hard on me for a while, because I was confused and frustrated. I'm like a little child squeezed in the middle of a crowd clueless. I felt like the right thing to do is follow him wherever he will go in the end, but where does that leave me? In one point of my life, I felt like it was just so useless to follow my dream and pursue what I want to do, because whatever I do, I will end up in one place: Indonesia. Working my ass off is not going to be worth it. I cant live my dreams there, that's not where my heart is. I felt like I've been such a child. I've been the follower, when I'm supposed to be the leader and the decision maker for myself. Deep down, I think its a nice gesture of me. I do it because I cared about him and I wanted us to work out in the long run, but is this what really makes me happy? What if someday things went south, what am I left with? Nothing.

This week, I've awaken and realized the importance of life. I learned that you need to make your own decisions in life, and stand up for what you believe in. I felt like all these years I've been dragged around. I felt scared to open up and say what I want to do with my life, because my parents might not approve. I chose accounting for goodness sake because my parents wanted me to take it. I tried to love it, but that was just not me. You have to be passionate about something. Set a goal, and achieve it. And you know what? I've finally found mines. I'm not gonna think about all these negativities, and how competitive my field might be, because I really don't care. Everywhere you go is competitive if you really think about. If I love it that much, I will work my butt off like crazy until I get what I want. I am so passionate about this, and I really want to make my dreams come true. I sound like a little girl right now, I know, but hey! You need to be excited in life. You need that drive and motivation that gets you moving, or else you're nothing. You gotta stand out as an individual :) As of right now, I really am not worrying about my future. I'm not worrying about going back to Indonesia or weather to follow him or not, because for once, I want to do something for myself. I want to see myself succeed. :)

No more looking back. No more negativities. Doing what you are passionate about really feels great, especially after you get your result. That feels even better :) Dont ever give up. Strive for the best. Life is too precious. :)

Sunday

2009-08-02T16:40:00.000-07:00

Happy Sunday!

Today was such a different sunday than any other sundays. We officially moved to our new building today, so the service time changed to 9am and 11 am. I minister, so that means I have to attend 2 services. Ahh, what a big transition. I really do hate waking up early in the morning, but I shouldnt complain, cause our God is a great God, right? Our soft opening today was amazing and powerful. I'm so amazed how many great things that God has done; not just in my life or my family, but for the church as well. I think He has something great in store for us in the near future. I'm excited.

Anyway, to sum up my day, I had the worse cramp at church. I was standing in the stage and I couldnt help. I have a heartburn, and I guess thats what I get for not eating a little before I sing in front. After church, I had lunch with some friends and now I'm just home. I'M SO DRAINED! ^^ These couple of days, I've been waking up super super early. You can tell that my eyes right now looks so tired and red. :( I should nap, but I'm afraid I wont be able to sleep tonight.

Alrighty, well I have nothing else to say so I'll be back :) (I think im gonna sleep...i cant take it anymore! )

2009-07-29T22:12:00.000-07:00

So many emotions are running through my veins right now. I was chatting with my friend a couple days ago, and he tells me to stop being depress, and he also said that I've been sad lately. Ok, I'm not always depressed or sad. He told me that all my status from facebook seems so depressing. The truth is I'm not! I am perfectly fine, and I am not always sad. I love life. I'm enjoying it, and I'm not always moody okay! I'm a cheerful person. When I tweet or type a certain something in my facebook that is sad doesnt mean I'm always depressed or emotional. Maybe I should stop tweeting and putting things on my fb, because people are starting to think I'm an emotional person. :/ I'm happy most of the time guys, I'm not an "emo" person. No body is perfect. Everyone has their own personal stories or problems. Most of the time when I'm feeling down, I either blog or tweet about it. That's just who I am. I put my emotions through words instead of telling it to people (only my close friends). I hope people would stop thinking I'm an emotional person, because I'm not. :) I just tend to reveal everything into words. Okay, enough of this shinanigans.

This week, our church is moving to a new building. Finally, after 20 something years, we finally have our own place. :) You know, I've never really made a big deal about it, but to think about it, its such a blessing to actually have our own building. Without God's mercy, none of this will happen. He is such a great God. I'm no super crazy religious person. Dont get me wrong. I'm not perfect. I still sin. That sounds horrible, but I still do. Being a Christian doesnt gauranteed you that you will go to heaven. The most important thing is your heart. God has done so many wonderful and miraculous things in my life. He has poured out so much blessings for me and my family. God is Good...

Alright, I'm gonna stay away from the computer now. Till then ^^

jess

20 Questions

2009-07-22T19:34:00.000-07:00

Hey Everybody, I found this little mini survey from Guru's on YouTube, and I wanted to take it. ^^ So here it is:

1--Thing you cannot leave the house without ?
I would say my phone, but that would be very cliche of me to say. So umm...I guess it would be a hand sanitizer. I carry a hand sanitizer with me wherever I go. I can't live without it. Germs are everywhere, and you may never know what you're touching or what may be dangerous, so it's very important to carry a hand sanitizer in your bag or car.

2--Favorite Brand of makeup?
This is hard. I love all brands of make up. I personally dont use a lot of colored make ups, but I do buy a whole lot of make up just to experiment and have fun with it. I usually use neutral colors like shades of brown and shades of peach. Wait, thats not the question! haha. Okay, favorite makeup, hmm...I would have to say Urban Decay and Bare Esscentuals. I love Bare Esscentual's eye shadow because not only are they a mineral eye shadow, but they are so pigmented. Its so beautiful. Urban decay has the best primer potion and eye liner. Love it!

3--Favorite Flower ?
My favorite flower are Orchids. I love Orchids! They are so beautiful. It's funny, because usually when it's my birthday or anniversary, I would tell my boyfriend that if he is planning to buy me flowers, get me a Orchid instead. I love purple and white Orchids the best.

4-- Favorite clothing store?
Hmm, I dont have a favorite clothing store. You would see me everywhere. I shop whatever that fits me and what looks good on me, so I dont really have a typical favorite clothing store. If I were to choose, then I would say Forever 21 and Zara.

5--Favorite Perfume ?
When it comes to perfume and fragrances, I'm so crazy about it. I have a lot of perfumes that I love, but there are 2 that I commonly use and these 2 are my all time favorites: First, Parlux Guess de Parfum. It contains a scent of tangerine, green apple, dewy freesia, pink peony, delicate muguet, peach, red fruit, cedar wood, amber, and musk. It smells so good. Nothing strong. Second, Dior J'Adore by Christian Dior. I love love this smell. It smells so sophisticated and sexy. Both perfumes are light and feels soft.

6--Heels or flats ?
I use both heels and flats. It depend on the occasion, what day/event, when, and where I'm going. For church or a nice dinner out, I would use heels. On a usual day, I wear flats, `cause wearing too much heels does damage my foot. I love both heels and flats equally though.

7--Do you make good grades ?
I have to. I try to maintain above average, and aim for the best. I try my best in everything, and never giving up. I think giving up is such a bad quality to have in a person. Strive for the best! I'm not perfect. I dont have the best grades, but I try my very best, and if I dont end up getting the perfect grade, at least I know that I've tried my hardest. I think thats the most important thing. I still need to work harder. -_-

8--Favorite colors?
Purple. I loved purple since I was a little girl. My favorite color does change from time to time though. It depends on my mood and probably the season. I love white and black when it comes to clothing. You wouldnt see me wearing a whole lot of bright colors.

9--Do you drink energy drinks?
Absolutely no. Too much sugar. It's bad for you too. If I do have a big exam coming up, and if I REALLY feel like I need to consume a dose of energy drink, then I would go for the 5 Hour Energy Drink. It's different from the typical energy drinks like Redbull or Rockstar. Why? Because 5 Hour Energy Drink contains lots of vitamins, especially Vitamin B. No sugar added, and no carb`. It gives you a longer lasting energy without crashing later!

10--Do you drink juice?
I drink juice. I like it, but I'm not a big fan of it. Meaning, I can live without it. I dont like drinks that is super sweet. Some juices are very sweet. I can't take that. My favorite juice would be orange juice. I love strawberry banana smoothie though. hehe. :)

11--Do you like swimming ?
This is embarassing, but I can't really swim. I love being in the water. I love splashing and just the feeling of being in the water is fun. But, to actually swim, I'm not so good at it. An embarrassing story: When I was in middle school, I took swimming classes, and I never passed the first level. I stayed in the first level 3 times! Embarrassing, huh? ^^ I can do back strokes and freestyle, but I cant keep it consistent.

12--Do you eat fries with a fork ?
If I was eating in a fancy restaurant, then I would use a fork. But if it was In-and- out or any kind or regular fries, then of-coz I use my fingers!

13--Favorite Moisturizer?
Shiseido, hands down! I love their moisturizer. It leaves your skin perfectly flawless. It is not oily. Some moisturizer makes your skin sticky and oily, but Shiseido's moisturizer is just perfect for my skin.

14--Do you want to get married later on in life?
Marriage is definetly something I want to do later on in my life, but not right now. I still have a lot of things I want to do in life. Goals and dreams I want to pursue, so it's definetly not anytime soon. Unless someone proposes me with a big huge diamond ring, then I'll probably think about it. haha. Jk. ^^

15--Do you get mad easily?
It really depends what situation I'm in. If something or someone makes me mad, then of course I'll be mad. I'm not the type of person that hide things. I dont think I'm even good at it. If I dont like you, I'll show it by not talking to you. I dont create problems or fights or anything like that. I handle my anger with silence. Unless, it was my boyfriend or my parents then I'll defintely show it! hehe.

16--Are you into Ghost Hunting ?
Ghost hunting? What? No. I like watching ghost hunting shows on tv, 'cause they are very entertaining, but I dont go around ghost hunting. That's just scary.

17-- Any phobias?
I think I've mentioned this 100 times on my blog, I have a fear or coffins. That's all I'm gonna say. Read my previous blogs. :) What else? I would say heights. Is that considered as a phobia? Recently, I've been annoyed being in clustered places. So, that would make me a clusterphobic. I am so clusterphobic.

18--Do you bite your nails ?
I do. It's such a bad habit. I bite especially when I'm nervous. I dont bite them anymore though, `cause it's bad for you, right? My nails are really one of a kind. It would grow beautifully a period of time, and then it just breaks when it gets even longer. I guess I need vitamins, because my nails are so fragile.

19--Have you ever had a near death experience?
No. I dont want to, and I hope I will not encounter anything like that. I think I had a thought of suicide long time ago when I was in high school, because I was experiencing a lot of peer pressure and stress. On top of that, my self esteem was extremly low in the very beginning of my high school year, and I guess that lead me thinking about suicide. Never again will I ever think of suicide.

20--Do you drink coffee ?
Oh, I love coffee! BUT, I can not consume any more coffee. My body does not function well with coffee. I start to shake and get jitters when I drink caffiene. I get naughty and drink coffee when I feel like it, but I have to remind myself not to drink coffee. I've been drinking a whole lot of green tea. I love green tea!

3 top destinations

2009-07-21T22:15:00.001-07:00

Hi all, so I've added 3 other destinations that I want to visit before I die. I dont know if I will ever visit ALL of these places in my lifetime, including the other 5 I wrote on my previous blogs, but hey, maybe one day I will get the chance to travel and get a little taste of these places. So here is the other 3 destinations:

1.) British Columbia, Canada
2.) Greece
3.) Australia

British Columbia, Canada

I think I've been watching too much of the Bachelorette, but there were some episodes of the Bachelorette when they were in Jillian's hometown, and when I was watching, I was completely in awe! British Columbia is so beautiful and spectacular. You know, to be honest, I never even heard of British Columbia. Let alone, I didnt even knew it existed in Canada. I've only heard of Vancouver. I know, I'm crazy! From the city, to the lakes, to the mountains...British Columbia has to be the major top place I have to go before I die. My close friend went there last december, and told me how beautiful it was. I want to visit Victoria, the capital city. I also want to visit Vancouver island, and climb up their tallest mountains! I also want to take a ride in the train. I want a lot of things! I think British Columbia is probably the most beautiful city I've seen so far (by picture). The city alone is so romantic, relaxing, yet sophisticated and urban. Check this website out: http://www.hellobc.com/en-CA/default.htm

British Columbia, you are a beauty! One day I'll visit you :)

Greece

Who doesnt want to go to Greece? Well, I do! I dont know much about Greece. I dont even like the food, but I know that Greece has so much culture and history. Aside of the beautiful beaches, I want to visit the Ancient Acropolis Architectures, their Monuments, and also Art Museums. I was never really interested in art, but I think Greece has so much history with their art. Oh, and one more thing, I want to visit the Greek Stadium. So much history! I'm not forgetting the beaches though. The crystal clear waters are to die for. I also want to visit their Nude beaches. I heard it's famous for it. Dont get me wrong. I wont go nude! But, I'm just interested.

Dubai

I dont know much about this city either, but I am amazed by the tall unique buildings, and the city alone at night is beautiful. I never thought the Middle East would be as beautiful, but Dubai is definetly a beautiful city.

Never judge a book by its cover

2009-07-09T00:01:00.000-07:00

I'm guessing everyone's heard of that line before; "Never judge a book by its cover." Last 2 weeks ago, my dad suggested to try this Thai restaurant out near our area after church. We never knew there were Thai restos around our area. This place was near a residential area, located in the corner beside a house, very small, dark, and seems from the outside looks like there were not many people inside. Unfortunately, they closed on sundays. I knew that it was a sign that we should'nt even bother going inside because probably it wouldnt be good. That following week, my dad was still curious and anxious, so we gave it another visit. It was open this time. Throughout the ride from our house to the resto, my mom and I made a bet with my dad that if this resto wasnt good, he'll give ME 50$. hahah....I really didnt had the tastebuds to go to a resto especially if it is not crowded. To make the story short, I was wrong. The food was delicious. It was beyong my expectation, and the service was so friendly and warm. They were very welcoming. While I was waiting for my food, I watched customers ordering to go and picking their food up, and I saw how close the customers were to the manager. They seemed to be an all time customer. Gosh, I felt so bad, because I judged their resto from the way it looked outside. I was so surprised how good this place was, but on top of that, how great of an experience I had here.

So whats the lesson? NEVER JUDGE A BOOK BY ITS COVER. After this experience, I truly learn to look outside the box, think bigger, and defintely not judge something that we dont know. I truly felt bad :(

2009-07-05T23:43:00.000-07:00

I have been so lazy to blog lately. Usually throughout the day, I would have things in mind and stories to share, but when I get home, I'm sleep til 4 am. On thursdaalready too tired to blog. Either its already too late, or I'm just not in the mood. I twitter instead. Nothing much has been going on. Nothing so interesting? Summer seems so long, and I'm trying to find some activity that will keep me busy. I actually found one, and I'm starting on this project starting tomorrow. I hope by the end of summer, I will be a PRO and hope to jump to the next level.

Lately, I've been sleeping really late. This past week, I've been undergoing a really horrible lack of sleep. I drank coffee and I couldnt sleep till 5.30 am. The next day, I drank green tea that has caffeine, and couldnt sleep til 4 am. The next day, I slept at 3am, woke up at 8am to work the whole day. On saturday (yesterday), I slept around 1am, woke up at 7am for music practice. Ahhh, I'm not getting enough sleep. YEA, its my fault. :( I love coffee, I really do, but I have to stop drinking it! My body cant take any more coffee, or any kind of caffeine. I have jitters and start to shake badly. haizz....I'm so stubborn!

I've been addicted to Prison Break. In fact, I have been watching this show for the past few weeks, everyday! ahhh. It's so addicting. Great show. Great actors. Great storyline. Michael Scofield, a.k.a Wentworth Miller is definetly a hottie! His such a great actor!!! ahhhhh, im in love with him! hehe...

OK im gonna head to bed now. Sorry for this choppy blog. God bless!

xoxo, Jess

2009-06-28T23:49:00.000-07:00

Hey everybody...

Hope you guys had a great weekend. As for me, my weekend was alright, except the fact that I think I'm getting sick. I don't know if it was probably the Thai food that I ate today for dinner, or maybe I just caught it? I feel so ill these couple of hours. I feel like throwing up, but it wont come out. My body feels cold, but it's warm. My throat hurt when I swallow. I'm not coughing or have stuffy nose, thank God. I think it was because I went home so late around 2am last night after watching Transformers. I wore shorts and a tank top due to the heat outside (it was hot at night). I hope I get better soon.

Anyway, so far, my summer has been fun/boring/unproductive. I guess its a mix of all three things in some days. I should have taken summer school, but I thought I was going back to Indo that is why I didnt take summer class. I havent gone back for almost 2 years, and although most of my family is here in US, 80% of them are still in Indo, and I just want to see them again cause I miss them dearly. Life in US and Indo' is completely different, totally the opposite. I said once that I dont see myself living there, but I dont mind a vacation. A couple of weeks to a month is perfect for me, but more than 1 month, I dont think I'll be able to stand the heat and crazyness of Indonesia. I cant even stand a day of the heat and traffic!

I'm still working on my OASIS, and hopefully to get it done by the end of july, because I really need to get that out of the way. I'm the Queen when it comes to procrastination. I procrastinate alot, and it's such a bad habit. It's not a good thing, and I'm still learning to stop procrastinating and start DOING IT! I actually take that back. hehe. ^^ I'm not as horrible as you think. I procrastinate, but by the end of the day, I'll feel bad for not doing it, so I end up doing it anyways. I'll feel guilty if I dont! So, I procrastinate, but show some action in the end. Not bad right? hehehe. Talking about procrastination, tomorrow would be a great day to finish up my Oasis because mondays are a laid back day for me.

It's 12 am right now, and I'm gonna try to get some sleep. Need to get as much rest as I can. I slept at 3 am last night :/ Goodnite everyonee.

trying my best....

lonely friday night

2009-06-26T21:02:00.000-07:00

It's Friday night, and where am I? at home!!! :( I usually work on Friday nights, but we planned to go San Diego this tonight, that is why I didn't work. And guess what happens? People bail out on me! Guys oh guys...they don't want to drive, so we didnt end up going, and decided to fly next week. I was looking forward to it too! I could have work and enjoyed my friday night at work...(yes I enjoy working) heheh....Despite of the crazyness and hecticness, I enjoy working fridays. I'm stuck at home right now. :( I guess I shouldnt complain...

Anyway, yesterday at work, I experienced something very unatural, out of the ordinary and may I say wierd? Theres this old chinese guy that has been coming to my workplace every week since last year, and he never comes with this family or friends, only himself. He is beyond wierd. He smiles and laughs out of nowhere, he stares at me and ahhhh, it gives me the chills! To make the story short, while he was waiting for his table, he handed me his number inside this tiny envelope. Inside that tiny envelope was a USB memory stick. He told me, "You can throw away that memory stick, but keep my number." First of all, why would he give me his number inside an envelope along with a memory stick if he told me to throw it away? why couldnt he just give me the number without the envelope inside with the memory stick? And what's more creepier is behind his number, was a name card from a PHD from NY University from the health/Psychology department. His probably a patient there? To think of it, it makes sense. He has some brain problems....I know this is so mean of me to say this, but only if you knew him, you would understand how totally creepy he is. A customer even told me how creepy he was. I clocked out earlier yesterday, told my manager the story, and when i was i the back, he asked where i was to my coworker. my goooodnesss.....Thank God I have a manager who truly cares about my safety! I need to stop being nice to customers. Some takes it the wrong way. This sucks...

2009-06-24T23:26:00.000-07:00

So, I will head out alone and hope for the best
We can pat ourselves on the back and say that we tried
And if one of us makes it big
We can spill our regrets
And talk about how the love never dies
But you and I know the reason why...

These past few days, everywhere I go, seems to remind me of it. It's funny that a small thing can go a long way. My friend kept mentioning about it. Am I supposed to stay quiet, and pretend that I did'nt hear what he/she said? Am I supposed to lie and hide my face from the truth? Its been a long while that I went there, and going back there brings back so many memories. I try to keep all the good, and throw all the bad. As much as I hated my friend for mentioning it, I also hated the feeling of having to hide. I dont want to remember anymore. I want to forget it all. I want to step forward, not step back. I think I did pretty well all this time, and yes, I have completely let go. Maybe there are just some things that can not be forgotten permanently, like memories and places that I once went. I stood near that bench, smiled and your face quickly disappeared. Its so funny the many areas that reminds me of it.

I stood there, gazed around the beautiful city, and sniffed the afternoon breeze, but all i can remember is it. Its the ambiance, I'll get over it soon...

CHI Silk Infusion

2009-06-24T22:53:00.000-07:00

Damaged Hair? Dry hair? CHI Silk Infusion is your answer to a perfect soft and silky hair! I'm terrible at adverstising, but this CHI Silk Infusion works like magic. No kidding. You know how some products say they work, and "worth it" to buy but really it isn't? Well, this product will amaze those with damaged and dry hair. My hair is not oily, and is not dry. BUT, I use hot tools very oftenly to achieve my desired hair, and yes, it does damages my hair if I dont use any syrum. I've also noticed that my split ends are getting worser and worser, and if you dont know me, HAIR is my number #1 concern, then skincare. I cant manage to have dry damaged hair, and if I do, I just dont feel confident. Everyone has something that their not confident about right? Well, this is mines.

Long before I discovered this amazing product, I tried many products to heal my damaged and dry hair. From all kinds of syrum and spray, anything you can possibly imagine. BUT, none of those products compared to CHI Silk Infusion. When I read reviews online, I felt hopeless and had figured that maybe this product is just like the other products I've tried. I was skeptical, but I gave it a try anyway, and bought this product near my local beauty store. When I first tried it, it was HEAVEN! haha....sorry for my cheesyness, but seriously, its so magical! It makes my hair softer, silkier, sleeek, shiny, and just beautiful!

CHI Silk Infusion is enriched with pure natural silk, wheat and soy proteins, leaving your hair silky softness, super manageability and unbeatable shine. It protects your hair against thermal styling. If you're the type of person who uses curling and flat irons, this is probably the best product I would recommend. The texture is very oily, smells like orange. Pour a little in your hands and rub or stroke throroughly in your hair before prepping and ironing you hair. You can put it in either damped or dry hair. A little goes along the way, so don't put too much because it is oily, but the good thing is that it DOESNT make your hair looking oily. You know how some products makes your hair super oily? CHI Silk Infusion doesnt give you that oily looking hair.

Enjoy your soft and silky hair! ^^

Weekend

2009-06-22T00:17:00.000-07:00

I hope everyone had a great weekend, cause I sure did! :) On saturday, I accompanied Jastien at the office for an hour. That was probably the shortest I've hung out in the office on a saturday cause usually it is 6-8 hours long filled with "nothing-to-do-ness". You have no idea how happy I was. I also accompanied him to get a hair cut, which was probably the fastest hair experience. Cutting guy's hair is super fast comparing to women! After that, we had dim sum, then had frozen yogurt, then we went to stroll down in SR, known as Santana Row. I love going there on Saturdays. I never seem to get tired or bored of that place, especially on saturdays! There are always events and music, and the environment is so relaxing! After strolling down in SR, we decided to cook some dinner at home. So, we went to Wholes Food and did some grocery shopping. I love grocery shopping with my hunny. He is the most patient guy ever! hahaa....I spend like, I dont know...hours deciding what to cook and what to buy and all the ingredients and what not, and his just so patient, but so picky! Btw, I love Wholes Food Market. It is probably my favorite grocery shopping market. Nothing compared to Safeway and Traders Joes!!! Too bad there is no Wholes Food near my area. Anyway, after hours of grocery shopping, we went to his place and turned on the grill! Had dinner, and watched endless episodes of Prison Break. I cant get enough of that show. Wentworth Miller is def` a hottie :)

Today, Fathers Day, I went to church and after church I took my family out to dinner. Food was so-so, service was bad. It didnt matter though, because I was surrounded with people who i love. Nothing beats more than a family. Did that make sense? hahaha...

Alright, honestly, I dont like doing these updates and "what I did" sort of thing, it reminds me of English class. Run on sentences...and essays that makes teachers fall asleep.

caio bella, goodnite :)
Jess

Q u i e t

2009-06-17T00:04:00.000-07:00

There has been some things in my mind lately that I wish I had the answers to. I honestly wish I knew how my future will be like 3,4,5, or more years from now, but no one can depict the future right? I feel like I'm stuck in between. I feel like I know where my road is going to end, and right now, I dont think I want to end in that road, but I feel like I have no choice. I never thought it would be this hard to decide. I know it is still a couple years down the road, but there are decisions that needs to be discussed and planned before it is time to hit down that particular road. I dont know how my future will be like nor do I know how my life would be like 3-5 years from now, but I just have a feeling 100% that he may want to move back and live there for good, and for me, that is a huge decision. Maybe right now, I'm still close minded. Maybe later on, I will see that its not that bad after all moving out of the US? Maybe...I hope. As of right now, I dont see myself living else where. I honestly want to stay in the US, work here, raise my family here....live here till I die. I honestly dont see myself living back there. Its a huge decision for me. For him, it isnt so complicated, but for me, considering that I was grown here in the US, its gonna be a tough decision for me. Giving up everything...it's unbelievably hard to imagine. I dont wanna think about it, but c`mon, 3-4 years is just right around the corner! time flies by so quickly!

Well, I dont know. I honestly dont think worrying is gonna get me anywhere or give me any solution. I guess I`ll just have to let go and let God do His work. I know that when the time comes, whatever decision I make will be the right decision because wherever God places me, is the place where He wants me to be. :)

goodnight guys.

Jess

2009-06-15T00:20:00.000-07:00

I had a bittersweet weekend. Started off in the wrong foot, but end the weekend with tears of happiness. I guess that's how I would put it. ^^

I'm so happy that I finally get to understand you more, though sometimes I feel like its hard to understand through your perspective, I've learned to place my position in your foot once in a while. I think now I'm getting a bigger picture, and I've learned to appreciate your hard work and passion you have in your field. Every week seems like I'm less seeing you, considering we only meet twice a week. Work on weekdays, and work on weekends. But I completely understand, you run a business and I know youre just doing you job. I also understand that you are so tired from work on saturdays and just wanna head home and rest, and though my heart doesnt accept, I've learned this week that you truly work so hard, and I'm really proud of you.

Happy big 2, little 4 huntut. I love you.

2009-06-09T21:38:00.001-07:00

It's been a while since I blogged. I've been enjoying my summer, and even though I spend most of my mondays and tuesdays at home, I feel so relaxed and just love the feeling of sleeping and waking up late. I still havent decided what to do or where to go for this very long summer vacation, but I hope I figure out something soon! I really want to get out of the City, and go some place totally different. I just need to find the right time and the right place. I'm terrible at planning. Nothing ever comes out right, so I'm trying not to plan much. haha...

I'm so tired of san francico's weather. It's been nothing but ugly. These past few days has been cold, windy, not so foggy, but just plain ugly. Today was showering and so so foggy. Hatesss itttttt! I miss the warm hot weather. It doesnt even feel like summer. May it be summer or winter, it is always cold.

Alrighttt, I have nothing else to say for now. Till then :)

Decisions or decisions...

2009-06-03T13:15:00.000-07:00

I never thought buying a car would be so difficult. The process itself is already confusing. My boyfriend is in the car industry and though he knows alot about cars, it can be too much! My parents wants me to get this, and he wants me to get that, and I'm stuck in the middle deciding which one is the perfect car for me. Safety is number one, price is number 2. At least that's the way I see it. Ahhh, I'm so confused. This is gonna take a long time....haiyaaaa.

I've been sitting in front of my laptop since yesterday night and today morning searching for the perfect car, but we all know my decision does not count because my parents would not agree anyways! I seriously need to get up and stop sitting in front of my laptop or else I`ll go crazy!

ahhh, help me!!!

Homemade Donuts

2009-06-02T15:24:00.000-07:00

Last week, I twitted that I was making donuts at home, and promised to post up the final resutlt, but unfortunately the donuts was still super hot so I couldnt put the toppings on top or else it`ll melt. I had work that night as well, so I topped my donuts when I got home from work. I got tired after work, so I didnt have time to post the pics up. phew! That should explain everything :)

Making homemade donuts seems very simple, but it's not that simple. You need the right temperature for the dough and most of all, you gotta make sure its the perfect before you fry it. I used my grandma's recipe, and it turned out so perfect. ^^ My grandma is such a great cook, so it my mom. I hope one day I'll follow my mother's cooking step. :) I'm not a real big fan of donuts. I actually hate it. I hate the sweetness, the texture, and the aftermath of eating a donut. It almost makes me wanna puke. I can still have a donut if it's from Krispe Kreme, but if it was from any other donut shops, I'll pass. My grandma's recipe though is so delicious. It doesnt even taste like a real donut! It almost tastes like bread, but fried! Of course I wont give you guys the recipe, hahaha because its my family's recipe, but here is the process in making my homemade donuts:

So the first step I did was blend in all the ingredients (flour, sugar...etc...) in one big bowl, and stir with a electric stir for about an hour. Then, I rolled my dough in small balls like this:

Preheat you pan with oil in medium heat, and make sure it isnt on high because you dont want your donuts to be brown on the outside and uncooked on the inside. That's why its so important to put it on medium heat. Once you oil is already hot, toss one dough at a time to the hot oil. Use a chopstick to create a hole in the middle of the dough so it will look like a donut. I tend to spin it so the hole will look bigger and not close in.

After frying my donuts, I let it sit for as long as possible until its cool. Then its time to top our donuts!!!!! I use Krafts cheese, and De Ruijter chocolate sprinkles made from Holland. This is the final result:

(Im not used to posting pics, I'm still learing, so excuse me for the disfunctional look of the way I post pics up. ^^)

Another ramble

2009-06-01T00:00:00.000-07:00

I'm so excited for tomorrow! Well, kinda. I'm going to Great America with some friends, and yeah, I know it kinda sounds corny but I havent been to Great America since high school and I love love love roller coaster, and Great America is probably the nearest theme parks here in Bay Area (Six Flags is further). The only ride that I dont dare myself to go is Drop Zone, and that's just because I know my body will not be capable to handle Drop Zone. haha....I will not go Drop Zone, and no one better force me to go `cause there is no way I'm riding that monster!

Today I woke up at 12pm. Unbelievable! ^^ My phone was on low bat last night and for some reason I forgot to charge my phone, and that is like the stupid-iest thing ever! So my phone died this morning, and I wasnt aware of the time. Usually, even during the weekends, I would set my alarm clock just so I dont oversleep, but today, my phone died and when I woke up I looked at my big clock and I literally jumped. (aaaaa, excuse me of my grammer n my very very long sentences ^^)

I dont know but for some reason, I've been really into the color blue lately. I bought 3 dresses that are blue. I dont know. Everything I pick out lately is blue and it looks great so that's why I bought it. :) Im not really a huge fan of the color blue itself, but this summer, I feel like blue is really in.

Ok, I'm really sleepy now. I dont even know why I'm blogging. As I'm writing this, my eyes are closing. goodnight everybody. Ill blog more tomorrow when I have enough energy :)

ta ta,
jess

2009-05-30T00:35:00.000-07:00

Hey everybody,

I'm so glad to be home. Work was super busy, but it was one of those days where it's busy at every hour. So one hour it's slow, the next hour is busy. Kinda sucks, cause I rather have it busy all at once ^^ This morning I woke up 9.30 am, got ready, and went to downtown to do some shopping :) I havent gone shopping since finals week, and today was such a relieve! I got a cute peacock headband from urban outfitters, and a top from Abercrombie, but it was too big so I have to go back tomorrow to return it. ahhh, I should have tried it on before purchasing it. That's what I get for being in a rush! Tomorrow is another long day for me. I have to wake up at 6am tomorrow for music practice at 7 am for church. aaah, so early. why Adam? why 7 am? why not 8am? hehehe. I hope I can wake up, cause sometimes my alarm clock doesnt ring at all even though I already turn it on! I need a "live" wake up call!

These couple of days Ive been undergoing a major crisis, a.k.a "cankersore". It hurts to the max. It's so painful and disturbing. I cant even eat anything that is flavourful, big, and chewy cause it hurts so bad. A couple of days ago, I went to Chipotle with my friend and bought a burrito and I couldnt even eat that big thing! I gave it to my sis....Yesterday, I ate shabu2, and it was so painful because the sauce was so citrusy. What else? Today, I ate green curry for dinner and couldnt stop tearing up because it was so flavourful that it hurts my cankersore so bad. :( Just when one is healing, I have another one in my tounge. Sorry if this talk is disturbing, but I think its my dentist fault! haha... No, I think I just need to drink more water. Also, I tend to bite my tounge alot so I guess that's why? Ok enough of this talk. I hope it will heal soon, because I can't even smile :/

My Obsession of the Day #2

2009-05-28T12:56:00.001-07:00

I think I'm going to start having "My Obsession of the Day" entries, because I have so much cravings from time to time...haha.

My favorite snack lately has been a avacado smoothie. Its's yummy, healthy, and its so easy to make. :) Avocado is rich in magnesium that reduces risk of excess belly fat, high blood pressure, high cholesterol and high blood sugar. If you have cholesterol, avacado is a good source of diet. Here is my avacado smoothie recipe (you can find them online, but this is the way I make them. Every recipe is quite alike. Told u its simple!):

-1 large avocado (add more avocado, depending how much you want to make)

-2 teaspoon milk

-1 cup of ice

-sugar (eye ball it)

Blend everything, and you got yourself a yummy avocado smoothie!

I honestly dont follow this recipe. I go by it, but I usually just eyeball how much sugar, ice, milk and avocado I put in. Put as much or as little as depending on your taste. It really isnt hard to make at all, you just need some dedication for avocados! yum ^^

5 Things that gross me out

2009-05-27T17:07:00.000-07:00

There are probably not a lot of things that disgusts or gross me out, but these are 5 things that I find really disgusting. Here goes:

1.) Mice/insects- Anything that has to do with little insects such as bugs, cockroaches, spiders- you name it, gross me out so much! I hate looking at them and being near them. Speaking about it already gives me the itch. Mice also grosses me out. I just dont see why some people find them cute? Rats, mouse....I find them disgusting. I used to live in a house that has many mice, oh gosh, it was disgusting. I cant stand looking at their tails. It freaks me out...

2.) Public Restroom-Most, not all, public restroom grosses me out. If it was a 5-star hotel, or even say a regular hotel, and a nice fancy restaurant, then I dont mind using their restrooms. BUT, if it was mall or a fast food public restroom, I rather not use them. I dont understand why some people do not flush. I mean, I understand it's a public restroom and it is supossed to stink and what not, but please flush. It's not so hard to flush and clean after yourselves, right? ^^

3.) Old men hitting on young girls- I truly truly cant stand seeing old men hitting on young girls. Like I said before, I work in a restaurant, and from time to time, I would get a wink wink, a stare, or a flirty smile from old men. Let me tell you how disgusting it is. Seriously, it's disturbing. I also find guys that already has girlfriends flirting and just staring at other girls very disturbing. It grosses and freaks me out. They should be ashamed of themselves. If you're not satisfied with one girl, then you shouldnt even be in a relationship. I get these alot as well, it just bothers me, because if my boyfriend did that, I'll probably flush him down the drain. Oh yes, I have good eyes. :)

4.) Baggy Pants-Guys with saggy baggy pants to the point that shows their boxers grosses me out. If you wanna show your boxers then you might as well not wear any pants at all? I dont if it's just me, but I dont it attractive at all. It's actually a turn off. Oh, and you know what's funny? Their walk. You know when your pants are saggy, you're not able to walk properly right? Well, their walk is pretty annoying. I guess they find it attractive, I dont know. I just dont see it.

5.) Smokers/druggies- I dont want to offend anyone, but I find people who smokes really grosses me out. I cant stand the smell, I just cant stand being anywhere around smokers. I just find it pointless to buy cigarettes, its expensive and its bad for you. umm, doesnt that ring a bell? Anyway, enough of this talk. Dont want to offend anyone now. As for druggies, I'm not usually around druggies, cause I dont have friends who doesnt them, but people who does drugs does gross me out. Their smell, their actions, everything.

Summer time...

2009-05-26T23:18:00.000-07:00

It's my first week of summer and I'm already loving it. :) Actually, in some ways I'm enjoying it and in another way I'm not. I love being able to wake up late and not worry about rushing to class, but one thing I dislike about summer is not having anything productive to do. On Monday for instance, I stayed in the whole day doing pointless things such as browsing in the net, laying in bed, and watching tv! You see!? I remembered being in front of my tv for almost 7 hours straight. It's unbelievable. I could have went out, but my friends had work, some in Indo already, and its freezing out....so I guess I should`nt complain right? ^^

I'm still deciding what to do for summer. I'm waiting for Jastien to finish so we can finally decide what to do. So I made a list of what may come this summer :)

1.) Camping in Angel Island (camped here once, its beautiful...)
2.) San Diego (I've been wanting to go SD since December, but never had the chance to!!!!)
3.) L.A again? (never seem to get enough of this city!)
4.) Disney World I (Would be my dream come true to come here again. I've always wanted to go here. Been here once when I was very little but forgot everything.)
5.) Indo` (This was my actual plan to go back, but I'm still deciding whether or not I should go this summer or december. It's pretty late to buy the ticket now since it will get even more expensive especially now that it's summer, but well see.)

So there's my list...I dont think I would be able to go to all 5 places, but I do hope I can go to at least 2/5 places I listed up there. hahaha...For some reason, my plans never work out. Dont know why....You know what's odd? Whenever I plan something, either it doesnt turn out the way I expected it to be, or it just never happens. But when I dont plan, most likely that event will happen. Wierd, huh? Thought so. :/

I'm amazed that it's been weeks since I thought of what I thought was going to be hard to forget. There were many times I wondered why I kept thinking about it all those days, but these few days I've thought of all the possibilities that I should forget it completely, and to my surprise, there is so many things I found that makes me want to let go. Honestly, it was'nt worth it. I think the only reason why I kept holding on was because I liked the feeling. I enjoyed remembering every single thing, because for me, it was precious. But if I remember the opposite of the enjoyment, there was probably more that I can list than the enjoyment feeling.

I'm truly happy and glad to be in the place in here right now. Sometimes I tend to forget and take things for granted, like what I have isnt enough and felt like what I needed was more, but I had the wrong mindset. I'm truly happy that things ended up the way it did, and honestly, thank God I was not stuck there because I would not be able to be loved the way I am loved right now.
I think everyone has their moments. Sometimes it takes time to realize the truth, and right now, I've realized the truth. This time, I'm 100% over with u for sure. Thanks God!

Accepting yourself.

2009-05-22T01:11:00.000-07:00

Accepting who you are as a person can be tough at times. I'm not perfect, in fact, nobody is. Sometimes I wish I was taller, have a better body, and the list goes on and on, but all these things that we want and hope for is all imaginary. There are times where I feel like I'm not good enough, not just physically but emotionally. Sometimes I feel like I could have done better, or I maybe feel like I wish I was this or that. BUT, these things doesnt change you as a person. You keep complaining, but the truth is no body is perfect. Everyone has their flaws, and everyone would want to change something about themselves. Let me make this clear. Everyone has something in them that they lack, something that they want to have. Isn't that true? Humans are never and will never be satisfied. We will always want more and more. If I can say that humans are greedy and selfish, I can assure you that humans are 100% greedy and selfish. Well, technically we are.

I've been learning to accept myself as an individual. You know that saying, "you have to love yourself first before you love anyone else"? Well, that saying is true. I love myself, I care about my own being (dont take that in a wrong way), but there are things about me that I wish I can change. Traits, personality, and physically...I just wish I can get what I want. If there is one thing I'm good at, that is complaining. Sometimes it's hard to accept who I am, but I realize that I must accept myself for who I am. God created me in my own special way, and complaining is the same thing as saying God's creation is horrible. I realized that by complaining, I'm hurting God. I'm learning to accept myself as an individual, and to love myself the way I am. I'm beautiful in my own way and I know for one that my inner beauty is indeed more beautiful and important than the exterior. Thanks God for opening my eyes. But above all, thank you for allowing me to be a strong individual.

2009-05-18T19:58:00.000-07:00

I`m so mad that my webcam isn`nt working properly! I thought that now my computer is working fine and now that it's fast, it'll let me make videos, but turns out its still nagging on me!!! aaaaaaaaaaa, im so mad! I tried making one earlier this morning, and when I played the video it was slow. When I talk its not following my lips. It's just nagging, its so slow I cant stand it!!!

2 more days until summer and I'm somewhat excited. I just want to get over with finals. Well, then after that, its the waiting game: the grade.

time for dancing with the stars, and bachelorette!! ahh so excited!

til then,
jes

break time...

2009-05-11T23:12:00.000-07:00

I've been sitting in front of the computer screen for the past 4 hours listening to my marketing lecture and trying to get a perfect score on these quizzes. I have finals this week and next week. I hate finals week. Who enjoys it anyway? I'm trying to keep a smile on my face, and pretend to enjoy it because I dont wanna have a negative view! This is the time where I need some positivity and encouragment because right now, my grades are on stake. Did i say that right? heheh ^^ I think I'm doing pretty well in my classes so far, but finance is really killing me, I just wish I was good at math. Let me take that back. I dont mind the math. As long as there is a formula and a way to solve it, I'm fine. But, its the concept that is so difficult and hard to grasp (at least for me). I thought I was really good with concepts, but turns out that I'm not with finance. But to be honest, this semester was by far the best semester I've experienced in my University so far. Maybe it's because I had the focus, or maybe it's because I'm doing pretty well. hehe...Anyways, tomorrow is gonna be long day. I'm working on a finance stock valuation project with my classmate. Were doing it on AIG. I dont understand stock at all, or how it works and what not, but after doing some reasearch, its pretty interesting and quite entertaining. I dont think I'll get myself into buying stocks though. Ok, enough of education.

alrightt, im gonna go back studyingg... :/

Marriage

2009-05-09T00:37:00.000-07:00

I'm not married, nor am I close to getting married. It is probably the biggest and longest decision that I'll ever have to make when the time comes. So why write about marriage, considering that I'm not even married yet? I couldn't find a greater answer other than the fact that I've always been interested in this topic itself. I'm no expert, I still have alot to learn, so you may or may not agree with me, and that's okay. These are simply just my opinion, and it can change overtime. Shall we start?

Marriage might seem to be simple to some people, but we all know it isn't as simple as 1,2,3. First, we got the wedding, the honeymoon phase, then after all that good stuff, comes the real marriage life. If I were to describe what marriage really is in one simple sentence, it will be, "either the marriage is successful or a failure." What is a successful marriage though? Well, I can't really answer that because I'm not married, and even though if I was married, I dont think I would be able to give you a concrete answer. I don't think a married couple can answer that either. I think the only person that can answer that question is a couple that has been married and retired; a.k.a when you're old. Why? Because they've been through it all. Through thick and thin, and and through all the gutters possibly imagined.

Even though I can't answer "what is a successful marriage", a couple things I do know is that a successful marriage requires commitment, communication and trust. I think a lack in one of those criterias is the ultimate cause of a divorce. Commitment, communication and trust is the foundation to any relationships. Even before getting married, I believe that these 3 criterias need to occur first. You need commitment, because without commitment there is sinply no relationship. Commitment does not only require you to commit your whole being to your spouse, but it is sacrificing and dedicating your life to them. It also requires time. If you're one of those workaholics that works day and night, I don't suggest you to get married! Marriage also needs communication. Misundertandings and misconmunications can also lead to divorce. You need communication period. Trust is probably the most important criteria in a marriage. Without trust, there is no commitment, and vice versa. Trust is the foundation of any relationship.

Now, here comes the juicy part. Divorce! So what really causes divorce? I think a lack of either commitment, communication and trust is the cause of divorce. Americans tend to believe that divorce is okay. I dont know how many times that I've heard celebrity news on divorce. It just seems that divorce in this country is considered to be "okay" and a "normal" thing. It's like a trend, you know? One season you get married, the next season you divorce. It seems to be a hot trend in America. I think one of the most important thing that people need to remember is that no one is perfect. Every individual is different, and there will always be differences between two people, so work it out! You might not see it in the boyfriend/girlfriend phase, but sooner or later you`ll see it, especially in marriage. As much differences, disagreements and arguements a couple might encounter, divorce is just not acceptable. You got yourself into this, so deal with it! grow up!!! If yall are not ready to get married, then dont! If you dont think he/she is a match, then dont get married! You married people reading my blog might be thinking, "this girl is a child! she doesnt know nothing!" I might not know everything, and yes, all divorce cases are different and maybe people wont ever understand your case, but getting a divorce certainly does not solve anything. You're probably making it worse, especially if you have children.

Here comes the part for all the women out there :) Again, this is just my opinion. Here goes: ALL GUYS ARE JERKS. No matter what, in all circumstances, in all cases, guys will always be guys. If a hot sexy women is flirting or being seductive, and your guys sees it, wouldnt he be attracted or tempted? I bet you you a million dollars he would. Dont be stupid ladies! Stop being naive, and face the truth! I know trust is the number #1 thing you MUST MUST do in any relationship or marriage, I'm not saying not to trust them. You can trust them 110%, but dont be blind. If your husband is constantly coming home late from work everyday, that should be a hint that something fishy is going on. Guys will always be guys! There will always be temptation in them, and I guess I can say this goes to women as well. Cheating on your spouse is just unacceptable. I think many divorce cases deals all because one of the spouce is cheating with somebody else.

Overall, marriage is beautiful, but I'm certainly not ready for it yet! NOT AT ALL. I still have so much to accomplish, so much I want to do for myself before I plan on settling down. I think the most important thing us women, or men as well, need to remember is that we need to find our own goals, and reach them. dream big. Theres no price for dreamig. Have a vision, and set goals to accomplish them, because once you are married, you are living a whole different life and you may not be able to do the things you want to do. As for me, I'm living my life day by day, and achieving my dream and be a millionaire. :) hahaha, just kidding...

Hope this helps...

Blessd day,
Jess

speechless

2009-05-06T21:28:00.000-07:00

Last night, I dreamt that I surrounded by empty coffins in the cemetary. It was so weird, and honestly, I felt so scared in my dream. I could almost feel like it was real. Coffins are my biggest fear; my phobia. I didnt know what that dream was trying to tell me, because I've never dreamt of something so odd like. I mean, coffins would be the last thing I would want to talk about, especially at night! Blogging about this just makes me shiver! Just a couple minutes ago, I searched on google the interpretation of coffins in dreams, and it says that when you dream of empty coffins, it means "to let go of something that has already died." That totally hit me. It really did...

I'm letting go.

What a day!

2009-05-05T23:09:00.001-07:00

I just got home an hour ago from class, and I'm so so tired. I honestly never felt this exhausted after coming home from class. Maybe it's because I've been out the whole day, and its raining outside... just made me all tired and icky. I dont know why, but lately I've been getting back aches and pain on my shoulders as well. I think perhaps I slept the wrong way? Or maybe I cracked a bone? I feel it in my sleep though, its like I dont sleep comfortable. Whenever I turn to the right or left, I feel so "pegel". My mom is a chef and as a chef, back aches and pain in her body is a normal thing for her. She's been to many massage therapists but none seems to take an effect on her. Last couple of weeks, she recommended me to this one massage therapist, an old chinese lady that lives in Hayward. She massages your body for a good 2 hours for 40 bucks. I think its pretty worth it. I really need a Professional or an Expert to massage my body! I think it's also because I work as a hostess/waitress in a fast paced restaurant environment, and usually by the end of the day, my body feels like it has been beaten by a muscular guy or something.

Another thing, I dont know why, but me and coffee just does`nt get along well. Yet, I still drink it! You see, I'm so stubborn!!! I know its bad for me, I also know my body doesnt function well when I drink coffee, but I still drink it anyways. My boyfriend calls me stubborn. I think I can finally admit that yes, I am stubborn. I drank a grande ice coffee from starbucks this afternoon, and usually I'm okay, but today they were promoting this new ice coffee with milk for $1.45 if I'm right, and so I thought why not? I never payed attention to the price anyway cause ice coffee is usually cheap, but I wanted to try it because instead of pouring your own milk, they blend it in for you. A few hours after enjoying my ice coffee, I started to feel this ill-feeling inside of me. I started shaking and felt like my heart was pounding and beating faster than it normally would. A couple hours flew by, and my friend and I decided to get an early dinner before my class at 7, and he suggested we share a strawberry margarita. I promised him to sip a little bit of it just because I've never really tried a margarita before. (I know what you might be thinking! I dont drink alcohol much. I only drink when its the right occasion. The only alcohol bev` I drink is wine) Anyway, when I took my first sip, it tasted like a normal strawberry slurpee, so I got addicted to it! I drank half glass of the margarita, and the glass was pretty big too. Usually when I drink alcohol, my shoulder starts to hurt. Dont ask me why. I dont even know. My friends all say I'm lightweight(sp?), meaning I cant consume much alcohol or something like that. A couple hours later, the coffee mixed with the margarita started to take a whole effect on my body! I started feeling so weak. But aside from that, I cant blame coffee and margarita, I think that my body is very sensitive and needs more milk and vitamins. I dont drink vitamins at all. I consume my vitamin C from drinking OJ and milk from eating cereal, but I know that isnt enough to make me healthy, because it's not everyday that I drink OJ and eat cereal. I made a promise today that I should start taking vitamin C and calcium. Consuming calcium will help your muscles and bones to be stronger. It also helps your cardiovascular system. I wanna live a healthy life! I wanna live long, and I sure want my bones and muscles to be strong so I dont have back pains and what not when I get old! I know many old people, including my grandparents that are enduring such pain like back aches, and maybe that's because they didnt take their vitamins when they were young. I finally realized that it starts now. You are what you eat. So try to eat healthy, and take vitamins and also exercise, because you will defintely benefit from it in the future. :)

Wowww, I just realized that I wrote alot for a blog! ^^ hehe.. I think that's it for now. Gonna get some rest. Must wake up early tomorrow for study session n class. goodnite :)

Blessd day,
Jess

no internet

2009-05-04T19:39:00.000-07:00

Hey everybodyy,

I'm using my sister's computer because for some odd reason, my internet wont seem to work in my laptop. I dont know what's wrong, or who has been using my computer while I was in LA! Speaking of LA, my trip was a blast. I spend 3 days and 2 nights there. I love the city, though I gotta admit that I hate HATE the traffic and how its so hard to get anywhere. I can never stand traffic. I hung out with a couple of friends and went to a beamerfest in Santa Barbara, which was okay. This morning when I woke up, it was so hard to wake up! I'm still in that vacation mode, just wish I had more of it :( But....back to reality jessica!

I only had one class in the morning today, and my friend asked me if I wanted to watch Wolverine with him, so I did. I didnt like the movie. From the storyline to the action, I just dont get it? I dont like it. Especially the ending. I dislike endings that leaves you with a question mark. Apparently, that movie kept me a sense of hanging and questioning what happened to who and who. But, it turns out that this movie was a flashback of some sort from the beginning. I dont understand! If i was to give it a rating from 1-5, I'll give it a 3. I would give it a 1, but there were some hotties in the movie :) haha...

Today is pretty gloomy, but not too cold or windy. At least its not raining!! I kind of like this weather. Its good for a change, cause its been warm these past couple of weeks. Today was my early priority registration date and I was able to add classes up to 8 units, and boy was I amazed to get 3 classes registered! I hope by July Ill get the rest of the classes that need. I dont know what else to say...I guess I'll be tweeting for now until my internet is fixed. :/

Until then bloggers....

its been a hard, but I think I'm finally overcoming it..

PRAY FOR OUR NATION :)

2009-04-30T00:36:00.000-07:00

Its 12.35 am right now. I'm not sleepy yet, I think it's because I had a 3 hour nap earlier in the afternoon. :/ I spend most of my day today at home, relaxing and regaining my strength. I've been taking afternoon naps lately, and I actually like that feeling after you wake up..feels more refreshed and have more strength.

I might be going out of town to Santa Barabara this weekend. I'll be going with my bf and his bro's and his friends for this beamerfest (sp?) I dont know if I should go or not though. I have a mandatory meeting for church on saturday morning, and I feel like I should go, but then again, I promised them that I'll go to SB. Ah, decisions decisions! Why does everything have to fall under the same weekend?! I'll make my decision by tomorrow. :)

This Swine Flu/ H1N1 is really scarying me. No kidding. I've been watching n reading the news, watching videos from the internet, and its crazy how were now in level 5! I've been panicking. I wash my hands every few minutes and try to avoid people as much as possible. CALL ME CRAZY. Its okay. I think I'm going to buy a face mask and sanitizers tomorrow. haha...really. I feel like this is something that Americans have to be worried and aware about. This is a serious deal! This is the time that we need to seriously pray and ask God for His guidance and protection over us, our families and close friends, because knowing that its spreading quite fast, scares the heck out of me! To everybody, make sure you wash your hands a lot. When you cough, cough on your shoulders. Avoid shaking hands with random people, and if you do wash you hands. What else? I dont know..I've been reading too many articles, this is making me go nuts, And NO I'm not overeacting!!!! This is a BIG DEAL AMERICA! ahh I'm gonna crash now, and pray!

blessed nite,
Jess

I set you free...

2009-04-28T23:26:00.000-07:00

I wish you bluebirds in the spring
To give your heart a song to sing
And then a kiss, but more than this
I wish you love

And in July a lemonade
To cool you in some leafy glade
I wish you health
And more than wealth
I wish you love

I wish you shelter from the storm
A cozy fire to keep you warm
But most of all when snowflakes fall
I wish you love

My breaking heart and I agree
That you and I could never be
So with my best
My very best
I set you free

(I Set You Free by Rachael Yamagata)

Honestly, I dont think it's fair...I dont think it's healthy either. I think I know the answer, but I dont want to admit it. jess knp seh loe stubborn bgt... Needless to say, I dont think I can go on like this...I feel guilty. I wish I never had to feel this way. Everyday it seems a little bit harder. But, I dont think I was strong enough. I didnt push myself, I wasnt trying hard. I think its only best if I completly let go. I know I've said it before, but this time, this very time, I need to set it free. I need to surrender, and completely set it free. I cant keep looking back. I cant keep reminicing the past. It's not fair for him or for myself. I have my own life, we both live seperate worlds, so I think its best for me just to let go and leave it here. What I need to do right now is focus on the future and look forward instead of looking back. The past is the past, and dwelling on it isnt getting me a step further. I think these past couple of days, I was aware, but I continued and kept thinking about it when I should have just let go. I'm letting it go, and setting you free.

My Obessesions of the Day

2009-04-28T22:06:00.000-07:00

I just had a low fat granola cereal with soy milk and chopped strawberries, and let me just say its amazing I usually dont eat dinner after 6pm, and if I do eat dinner after 6pm, I try not to eat rice or any kind of carbs because it'll take long to digest. I really love the sweetness of the granola and the sourness from the fresh strawberries. Like I said, I can eat cereal 3 times a day. I'm in love with it! I prefer the granola kinds rather than the common ones you will find in Safeway. I like my cereal not so sweet because you get that sweetness from the milk already. Btw, I use non-fat milk. I'm not a health freak just to let you know! But, I do watch what I eat from time to time. I dont really eat meat such as pork or lamb. I can still eat beef or chicken, but I dont eat much of it anyway. Okay, I'm getting off topic! So going back, if you havent tried granola cereal with soymilk topped with fresh fruits, you must try!

Another obession that I've been having is for Green Tea. I drink green tea at least once or twice a day, everyday. If you drink a few cups of green tea, it'll keep ologists away. It's also good for your health. It lowers down your cholesterol levels, and did I mention drinking green tea can make you lose weight? Green Tea also fights such disease like cancer, infections, prostate cancer, and high cholesterol levels. Although its very tasteless, or no taste at all, its really good for you. When I first had my first green tea, I didnt like it at all simply because it had no taste. When you go to any chinese or japanese restaurant, they usually give you a pot of tea and a cup, right? Well, I dont usually drink it, I just ask for water. BUT, now, I actually drink my tea. Its a good habit. :)

You

2009-04-27T21:25:00.000-07:00

I'm fine with it.

It was love which seemed fine like this

Before I knew, you even refused to meet

When I'm alone I start thinking

At that time, should I had rather forgotten?

But these tears are the answer aren't they?

I can't lie to my heart

It's almost scary that I can remember

your smell, your action and everything

It's strange isn't it? Please say so and laugh

Even though we're separated. It's nothing but you

I never thought that love would be so painful

That love would be so sad

You are the person inside me I can't forget about

The person who offered me everything

Even if you can never return

Right now it's only you...Just you

Nothing but you

by a friend of mines

What Makes Me Happy

2009-04-24T13:14:00.000-07:00

There are actually many things that makes me happy and makes my life everyday beautiful. From family to education, to even the smallest things such as getting a new haircut or new shoes or simply having a nice cup of coffee in the morning. Little things makes a difference and for me, and it truly makes me very happy. Lately, I've been seeing life through a whole different perspective. I've realized once more that life is too short and too precious. Sometimes I dont realize it. Everyday I become more grateful and gracious to have family who loves me, friends who I can rely on, an education that I can benefit later in the future, but most of all, I am mostly thankful for my health. Not a lot of people are fortunate to have a healthy life, and I am one the billions of people who have a healthy life. That, I am so thankful of. It breaks my heart to see people with certain disease, especially those that are incurable. Sometimes I question myself why God chose these things to happen to human beings? I wonder why there is such things of disease. After all, He is the creator of everything here on earth. Why did He create them? No one is perfect, but why have a innocent people die from diseases they shouldnt have? These questions, I wish I knew the answers. But then again, there are no answers to everything. I guess that's just the way life is; unpredictable. Therefore, I am cautious, more aware. I've also learned to take life seriously. I've also learned to take people more seriously, and to love and cherish each and every relationship and friendship I have. Have you ever heard of the saying, "once they leave you, that's when you miss them the most." Well, its true. You never know when your friend of family, or someone special leaves you. Sometimes God takes the most precious people away from you. Someone that you thought never would leave you, leaves you. Little things like this, things that I would never think of everyday has caused me to think life through a different level. Sometimes, as humans, we forget these things. We tend to focus more on materials, and what is in front of us, when the most important thing we should be thinking of is the little things. Am I confusing you? ahh, I think I am. I dont think that sentence even made sense!

I think I've said this on twitter, but if there is one thing in life that I've learned, that is-- to never regret and dwell on the past. This is something that I've been trying hard not to do. I think for me, as a person, I'm overwhelmingly too sensitive. I analyze every bit of everything. Its a bad thing, you know. Dont get me wrong. I'm not an EMO person. I live a happy life. I'm cheerful and perky most of time, but there would be nights when I lay there in bed not being able to sleep, that is when thoughts start popping up. I questioned myself why in the world should I be thinking of it? I tried many times to avoid it, to ignore it. I've dreamt of it a couple times, though the dream doesnt seem to tell me anything. Usually a dream would have a story line of some sort, but these dreams of mine that I've been having from time to time does not have story line. Instead, its just there. Its like the wind, you know? You cant see it, but you can feel it. I think I can relate my dream to the wind. I cant see it, I cant picture it, and I cant tell a story from it, but I can feel it. I honestly dont think there is any purpose at all for me to be thinking about it. If I look back in the past, and saw the things that has happen and how they happened as a whole, I feel a sense of stupidty for thinking about it. Beacause it was hurtful. But somehow, I dont care. I dont think about it. All I think about is the sweet memories. This is probably just something I have to fight for...I dont think it is any easier for me. I dont think I can ever last one day without having it on my mind. I guess this is something I have to deal with everyday...

2009-04-22T21:20:00.001-07:00

I miss you.

Exams are overrrrrrr!

2009-04-21T22:35:00.000-07:00

I'm SO happy that midterms are out of the way! :) I stayed on campus for almost 11 hours. Yes, it was so devastating. Especially knowing its nice outside, and I gotta stay inside the clustered stuffy library for hours, really does suck. But for some reason, it didnt really felt that long. I didnt even notice I stayed that long. I didnt even feel it, which is a good thing. Also, I didnt even bother looking at the time, until 6 pm, then it totally hit me. CRUNCH time! I studied with a friend of mines from the same class, so it was fun. He kept me entertained. ^^ But anywayyy, I'm glad its over. Overall, I think I did okay. While we were doing our exams, the professor caught 8 mistakes he made on the exam. A bunch of people were complaining...bla bla bla....I didnt want to say a word. I didnt care at that point. I just wanted to get it done! In the end, he gave us 2 bonus points! good for us. :) OK enough of this school talk. I have enough of it...ahhhhhh stressed!

It's almost 11 pm now, and usually around this time, I would be tired, but I'm not tired? Although I've been in school for the whole day, I'm not too tired like I would usually be. My body isnt tired, but my mind is. I hope the weather tomorrow would be nice like today. I havent had the chance to enjoy the sunny weather. It really sucks. San Francisco is never sunny and warm. When it is sunny, its usually still windy and fogggy! So whenever its hot and nice outside, I take full advantage of it. :)

Do you notice that I've been blogging constantly for the past few days? Hhaha, I didnt even realize that until right now, right this second. I have nothing to talk about because I blog every single day that there is nothing new that I need to share with you! Olright guys, I think im done for today. :) Ill write a meaningful post when the time is right! nite bloggers.

GBU,
Jess